Saturday, October 18, 2008

Who Say’s There is No Internet in Heaven

October 17, 2008 10:45 am

Last weekend as I was watching a program on TV, what caught my attention was about a man named Roy dela Cruz who writes a blog dedicated to his departed wife Niña. With the phrase, maybe there’s an internet in heaven he hopes that his words would be read by his wife.

His situation reminds me about two stories featured in the book, A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul of a father named Wayne Furrow who wrote a letter for his deceased daughter Jenny hoping for the same thing; that it will be read in heaven. The following was the content of Wayne Furrow’s letter:

Hi sweetheart. Christmas won’t be the same without you this year, but we will try to cope with the many memories of our 19 years spent with you. All I want for Christmas is to have you back with us, but knowing that is impossible I will settle for a letter to you: God will hopefully hand-deliver it in time for the holiday.
I missed having you being here to help me with my Christmas shopping. You always had a sense of what your mom liked. I managed okay, I think you were probably helping me. Your mom will love the gift you sent her from Heaven! Sarah too!Your mom has done a lot of baking this week; uncooked cake, date squares, etc. Surprised, eh!
Our traditional Christmas get-together will be at your Uncle Steve’s place this year. We don’t know how we will handle it, but will cross the bridge when we come to it.Sarah is doing okay, still dating Brian (which has really helped her). We know she misses you mostly at nights, when you two would do so much talking. She misses her big sister’s advice and odd spat.
I have to go to the cemetery tomorrow and shovel 3 ½ feet of snow, in case some of the family want to visit your grave site. We decorated the poles, hung a white and red bird and a few bells for you to hear when the wind blows. It really looks nice. We know Patrick misses you, and you him. Sorry I wasn’t more supportive of your relationship; that will bother me until I can apologize in person.
I’m sorry you never get to experience the Internet, Jenny. You would have loved it! I have met some wonderful people online, families that have also lost children. They have helped me tremendously in coping with your death. Most times, other than your mom, it has been my only release. Losing one’s child is the most pain a parent can experience, and being able to correspond with others in the same situation is surely a blessing. Jennifer, we will miss you always. We will never stop loving you or ever forget you.

And like a chain, the said letter was picked up by people over the web. A few days came this surprising response:
I did get to experience the Internet and you’re right – I love it. I don’t think it’s the same Net you are on though. I travel the universe – no downtime, flames, smears, nothing like that at all.
I am with you Christmas morning. Actually, I’m with you every morning. Haven’t you felt my presence? Heard my voice? Seen me in a thousand different places. I can do that for a while but eventually I will have to spend more and more of my time spreading around the things you taught me: love, caring giving, loyalty. I can’t say that I miss you because where I am there are no feelings that are sad. Honestly! Not ever! I do know when you think of me and I am happy. Did you know that I can view my whole life with you and Sarah and Mom in just a few seconds! Can you imagine?
I have so many other people here that are the greatest. Someday you’ll find out for yourself. Just remember this Daddy, I‘m never sad. I have a feeling that someday this great feeling will be even greater. That’s because you’ll be with me. Don’t be in a rush though. There are a lot of neat things that you can do down there that I can’t do up here, like, love Mom a lot.
Love, Jennifer.

And as I left a message to Roy, I told him of this story with the hope that this could also happen to him one day. And just like a child’s question if there really is Santa Claus, the answer to the question whether there is an internet in heaven is the same. I believe there really is. Just much better than here.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Words I Left Unsaid

These two poems they describe what I feel about my relationship; my rocky road world that might crumble apart and I don't know how to save it.

Tonight I decided to take
One last look at you
And I can’t help but grieve
Despite that you’re still here.
Silent tears
For the five long years
In place of the words
I still wished to say
To you
But I know
That I can no longer
Take a moment to do
For your ears
You’ve sealed away
In silence
And your mind
You decided to shut
From all my reasons.

And how do I say goodbye
To someone I loved
And appreciated
In silence?

I guess
I should know
There’s no right way
To say goodbye
For the good times
And things you used to do
They will all remain in me
Treasured and like a shadow
Following and haunting me
For each and everyday
That I shall live.


Break my heart
The way you want to do it
Tell me no lie
And just simply end it.

Take everything with you
But leave my heart just broken
Let me fix it on my own
And make it whole again.

Leave me now rather than pretend
Things are just fine
When all we know it will just end.

I have felt it enough
To leave and let go is hard
But I’ve tried my best and soon enough
I felt that I can’t laugh.

I’ve accepted the blame
And even the pain
Despite at times I feel
I’m being stupid and lame.

For long I tried to keep them all
Both the good and bad inside my soul
To the point that I have gone so low
On the hope that you won’t ever go.

And though I know
What I feel is still love
Things have changed
To you my beloved.

And though right now I am still hurting
I know I’ll soon be fine
Break my heart for real
It will heal in time.