Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hybernating For a No Longer Private Solitude


I suppose this is one of those times I need it. Badly. Or should I say very badly. I need this space to decompress myself. As I type this down, I'm all cold and clammy because of--as silly and shallow as it seems, a Facebook comment.

I know that the past month, I wrote an entry about my birthday event and for the longest time since then I went on to be mum about the whole thing. It was actually a self-made decision that I had to not speak a word or any about who I was with and where I was during that moment.

A few days back, I answered a question in Facebook regarding a memorable thing with this person. For the sake of privacy, I'll just call him Xavier;* so it's all about what was the best memory I have hanging out with him. While I was darn itching to write the birthday event as the answer, I just indicated this as my response:

"I'll just have to keep it to myself."

Call it playing safe or what ever you want to but there are things which I do believe are better left unsaid. In a way, while I said that to goof around as my "playful revenge" (because that was also his response to one of my questions), my main reason for typing the reply was because I wanted to keep the whole thing a private matter. For the longest time, I had my what and where abouts an open book of some sorts to people; I've been so open and up front about a lot of things--even with those that I should not be divulging and while I find it a bit okay, even an acceptable norm in my view, it also makes me feel uneasy too. Thus when I met Xavier, I came to the decision that this time, I want the said thing to be away from the snooping senses of people around me.

In a way I was also hoping to invoke my right to privacy.

I decided to keep the whole thing in secrecy also because I am trying to prevent issues from surfacing. I know for a fact, while Xavier has this open-minded, cowboy type personality (which is actually a good thing), for a once burned twice shy person like me, I'm just avoiding [as much as I could] a whole bunch of intrigues and unknown, out-of-the-blue speculations from coming up and brought to my attention just like an unexpected slap on my face. From an experience with Lance.*

Because to put it bluntly, I even beforehand am aware of the description about Xavier coming from people within the same circle--that's he's well--popular (speaking of face value) and intellectual. While that might not seem to matter to him, to me it is (and it does) in a way or two. I decided to stay silent out of respect for him thinking and knowing that he's someone that I don't know very well--not just yet. I simply don't want to kiss and tell, at ayoko lang rin na may masabi siya.

So as to avoid the humiliation if that will be the cost.

However, on that note, I know I also have a lapse on my part for not telling Xavier beforehand that I wanted the whole matter unknown to people--and so I can't blame him if he revealed it. I am not against what he did. Nor am I angry at him for revealing the matter.


* name has been changed.

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