Tuesday, March 16, 2010

It Has Been A Year

Dear Daddy Bert*,

It has been a year since you left. How I wish I could still ask how are you now. Maybe you are so delighted with the life you have there in Heaven. I cannot contain the words that I wish I should have said--and the things I want to say to you now--even if it's too late.

I know Lawrence* misses you a lot; and I miss you the same way that I miss him. When I learned that you left for your deserved trip to Heaven, I cannot contain the sadness knowing that I won't be seeing you anymore. I was at work when the news came and the afternoon I arrived home this day last year, I can't help but cry a lot especially when Lawrence told me that you had been looking forward to having me visit you in the hospital. I know it's too late for me to say I'm sorry. I felt so guilty for being unable to do so. If only I knew it could be the last time I'll spend time and talk to you, I should have just left one day off to work and be with you even for a day.

It also broke my heart to learn from Lawrence that you kept on referring to me as your (favorite) daughter-in-law. I don't know but probably, you heard me apologize back then when I whispered that your term for me will no longer happen.

Yes, more than anything I am also disappointed that you'll no longer really be my father-in-law.

It has also been a year and two months since Lawrence and I parted ways. Days after you died, and despite the outcome of our relationship, I came by to visit to be with your family and to talk to your son hoping that things can still be talked out. But knowing that the family is in grief, I decided not to do it. I was trying to keep my tears yet, it still had to escape in a way. Few weeks after that, I was told that your son is already a father to a one-year old boy. It's something that to this day, I try to contemplate. And although I tried to believe it was true, I just don't know where to really put my belief in. I never had a chance to talk to him and so, I just simply decided believe the whole thing to be for real. It had hurt me a lot and I felt betrayed for I kept being true and faithful to him all along and I was hoping for still a better resolve with the relationship I had with your son.

I had chosen to believe the rumor to be real and tried my best to just let go though a part of me is saying that the thing about your son being a father is one thing uncertain--if not a lie.

While we are already out of each other's lives, I know I still love your Lawrence. I suppose it's the reason why despite that it has been a long time, I find it hard to fall for someone else--despite having met different guys out there and declined invitations in between for meet-ups. I know I wanted to but I just cannot jump in. Because aside from the fear that I might be betrayed again, it is because part of me is still attached to him. Yes, Daddy Bert. Despite of the hurt he caused me and the hatred that I felt with what he did, I know I still love your son--in a way that I and not anyone else know. But then probably, he had made up his mind; that it's already over for us and this will just be this way for good--words written and left unsaid.

How I wish I could ask for your help up there for I know you are probably seeing everything from where you are now.

It hurts me to think and feel that despite I had been trying to let go, I still find it hard to do. For I still love your son--despite of denying it and the anger that I have towards him. Maybe it's how it really is when you love and are still loving someone deeply.

If only there will be a way. If only things will and can still be okay between Lawrence and I just like how it was back then. I know it's too late but while things seemed to have ended up messy between us, still, I'd want you to know that even before and at the first time I met you I'd also wanted you to be my father-in-law.

That I know is true.

I miss you.

It's me,

* name changed to protect privacy.


Kim's Girl said...

This is such a wonderful and heartfelt post. Ganda. If he read this, he'll be very happy. I hope things will work out fine with you and Lawrence. May pag-asa pa naman pala eh. :D

GLAIZA said...

Thank you Kim's Girl. If only Heavens will intervene for a miracle then I'd love to believe na may pag-asa.