Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Letter to a Stranger From The Birthday Girl

Dear Stranger,

As I write this down, I just turned older by another year. Never in my wildest thought that this day would come and I’ll be writing this note for you as part of my birthday ritual this year.

Forgive me if these words will come from me but I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday anymore. Call it the irony of getting older but it’s among the reasons why. You see, I’m 27 now – obviously, I’m not getting any younger. Prior to writing this, at the back of my head, I would wish that the clock would tick ever so slowly just so the day won’t change easily.

In a way, this is one of those birthdays when I’d feel empty. Honestly, I don’t know why, but it was one thing I’ve been feeling lately. It’s like walking in the cold with both hands hiding in the pockets of my sweatshirt.

I will not hide it. For two birthdays, I have been wishing that someone like you would come along. When I was younger, I had planned that when I reach this age, I will get married. But I guess, life is really what happens to you when you’re busy making plans. Just when I thought I’d get married to a stranger in my past, things fizzled and I have to be alone.

I am alone until now.

Back then it felt okay. Before, I don’t find a deal about seeing happy couples walking hand in hand, seeing that twinkling eye that is enough to explain their happiness. But these days, especially in the past months, I just had these feelings as if feeling that way has been starting to feel a bit different.

It’s like longing. It’s as if looking at those people and saying I’m just fine has been starting to feel no longer okay anymore.

I remember someone say this: “come to think of it, if you chose to stay alone for the longest time after being left by someone, imagine how many Christmases and birthdays would go by lonely.”

I guess mine was both by chance and by choice. I will not hide that while I am hoping to meet someone like you, there still are inhibitions and fears that though are haunting me, I am trying so much to fight. It’s like me having to walk on a thin wire with a fear of that dizzying view of what’s below. It’s like jumping in an ocean but doubting to swim.

But these days, I would sometimes just find myself staring at those couples then wondering about when will these hands of mine have someone else’s to hold? That feeling of bear hugs and being in someone else’s arms and indulging in late-night conversations over coffee. I guess that more than these thoughts (and others wandering in my mind), I have this feeling that I hope I’d finally meet you.

Yes, I’ve been longing for someone like you to share those things with. I’m uncertain as to how many more lonely birthdays and holidays will pass my way but as I blow that candle on my birthday cake, I’d wish for that one day. For that day to come when our paths would cross and we’d tell’ each other, “finally, I get to meet you” and that we won't be strangers no more.

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