Monday, June 18, 2012

Chapter 13

You should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you.
I don't do the girlfriend thing.
I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy.
I don't make love.
This is all I know.

Reading this just made me in a way, sad. There are just some people willing to fall and give everything to someone just because they've got the body and the features that's way different from others. To give more than they knew they could just because they're hoping that they're part of the plan and that probably, one day, things will do change, too.

Even if they knew it will take forever for that to be. They'd still be willing to give it all just because.

Just because.

I'm just halfway through. I know there will be more that I'll know.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Bitten By The Fifty Shades Mania

Photo from Google Images

I got to catch up with reading this Independence Day holiday and for today, I am immersing on a seemingly controversial book by E L James called Fifty Shades of Grey.

I had been hearing a lot about this book for weeks. From a radio station to blogs. I was hoping to kill this bug named curiosity so I checked out National Bookstore hoping to get a copy two weeks ago but then, they were already out of stock, and they had the other two books as Ffity Shades is actually a trilogy.

Now, why'd I say this book is seemingly controversial? Let a bit from Wikipedia tell you why:

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic fiction novel by British author E. L. James. Set largely in Seattle, it is the first installment in a trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of BDSM.
At first, I had doubts about purchasing and reading the book given the keywords erotic fiction and BDSM -- which are well, a taboo topic for a lot of people even to this day and age. A lot of people and even blogs refer to the book as "mom porn" as the demographics of its readers are married females in their 30's; I'm only 27 and not even married so how come I am reading this, right? But for the sake of literature, I'll set aside being conservative and modest as I read through the book -- at least until I finish reading the three books.

While I was starting to lose hope about finally getting a copy, Fleur of Mommy Fleur said she was also reading an E-book version and as luck would have it, she was that kind to send me a copy of not just one but THREE books! Yes. I have the trilogy in my laptop and I have started reading Fifty Shades of Grey last night. A big thank you Fleur! :-)

I have not yet to reach the titillating chapters given that I am just in Chapter 6. But this early, there are times I'd be left agape-mouthed in surprise and disbelief over what I was reading.

I'm starting to picture out Christian Grey's facial features based on how the book describes him -- and I'd be honest, it's Ian Somerhalder that comes to my mind. I think he's a good choice for the role once the book gets to be adapted to film next year.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

An Antidote of Advice

I finally found the time to finish this book after some months of leaving it halfway unread; and from the last story in this book, I found this piece of advice:
There's not much truth in advertising when it comes to what most people perceive as love. A lot of people who look good on paper don't really do too well in real life.
From other people's failed experiences alone, you gather that you'll only know it's the real thing when it's already placed itself out. You will never see it coming.

So do not feel any pressure to hear violins play, have weak knees or be breathless when you meet The One for the first time. There's a good chance that he won't be a stanger when you realize that it's him. By then, he'd probably be someone you've known for some time.

Be very patient. There's no urgent need for you to mate with the first male that comes along. All the waiting you've done will pay off if you don't second guess yourself at the most crucial moment. Go for broke. That way you'll give it a very good chance to last.

-Note to Self by Isabel Reoja-

I've got a few more books lined up to finish but it's good I got to finish one. Few more to go before I purchase a new book.

Friday, June 8, 2012

The Little Things She Needs

Two days ago, I was browsing on my blog's reading list and found this lengthy one from a Tumbler blogger, Dhei of I Can't Spell You. I took time to really read it and likewise, it was a moving narration that was enough to leave me wiping off my tears afterwards.

I do not intend to make you cry. But this is something I wanted to share to others as well, with the hope that in one way or another, someone will realize something.

Scroll down to read.
Married or not you should read this…

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I 
turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. 
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. 
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

My postscript: Often, we tend to disregard the little things thinking that it's just that -- little and could simply be forgotten if not postponed for a day or two. But the truth is, most of the time, it's the little things that lingers longest and matters the most

Friday, June 1, 2012

Love Pleads No Excuse of Impossibility

On the first day of what people dub as the month of weddings, I found myself starting the day with this video. It was the wedding of Filipino-American pilot and motivational speaker, Jessica Cox. While it has been in the news days ago, I had to replay a part of it to find this powerful message that at one point made me close to tears:
"Everything is won't have to worry about finding the perfect man. you won't have to worry about all the wedding stuff; like how is this going to work. You just gonna know it is going to work somehow."

In the midst of a content, busy day at work, I will admit that I have been going through a period of uncertainties and questions at a certain aspect of my life and my being as of the moment. It's not much of a crisis but then, it leaves me in a way concerned. And that message was that powerful for it kept playing in my head over and over again, and moved me close to tears just when I think of it. At least, there's a flicker of hope even just by a light from the end of a candlewick that I could hang on to.

I am closing this entry with this quote to which the title was derived:
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself, and all things possible.

Video courtesy of TFC Balitang America on Youtube.