Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Mending Myself and Bringing Back My Childhood

Photo: Popsugar.com

In the process of trying to mend a broken part of me, I decided to divert my attention the past week by heading to the cinema to watch Beauty and the Beast. This is the first time I went to see this movie. While the movie was shown as an animated movie in 1991, I was still too young to appreciate the movie. Now that I am older and have a clearer understanding and appreciation of movies, I decided to see the film on my own (again!)

Watching the film felt being in Broadway. Next to scenes and the cinematography filled with fantasy and magic, I enjoyed all the music that comes with the movie (I particularly had "Be Our Guest" playing in my ear for days!) as it further made the movie more entertaining.. Despite the fact that the movie was two hours long (I think), it was worth being glued to my seat.The essence and moral that the movie would like to impart, that sincere motives triumph against illicit ones and the lesson of loving beyond the physical attributes were maintained even if it has been 27 years since it was first shown on the big screen.
The power of love and a little moment to believe in magic -- sometimes, it's what you need to banish the blues even for quite a while.  

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Bonding Over Food at Inang Bina's



For the longest time, I have known myself to have a love-hate relationship with food. I'm more of takaw-tulog than takaw-kain person. But whenever I meet up with friends either for a celebration or if we just want to have a breather, we always end up doing that over food.

Inang Bina's Restaurant in my hometown Angono Rizal has been a common go-to place we frequent for after work dinners. The place is cozy that you may want to check this out especially if you wish to take a well-deserved RnR to welcome the weekend (I say weekends as that's when I often go here with friends after a very busy week at work). I've been there a number of times but it's just now that I'm doing this food review (#Latepost, I know). So, if you're wanting to ask about their menu, these are what I've tried from the times I visited.


Inang Binas offers a variety of dishes on their menu from rice meals, pasta, snacks, coffee-based drinks and desserts that are budget friendly (read: hindi maka-wasak wallet). During our last visit for Ma'am Cez's birthday, her hubby Jonathan ordered the spicy chicken and while I failed to grab a bite, they both gave it a thumb's up.


One of their rice meals that I tried was their lechon kawali. While it's nothing different with the usual lechon kawali that your tastebuds have always been familiar of, this reminds me of how moms would cook it at home. So kapag nag-crave ako at ayaw akong ipagluto ng nanay ko dahil tinatamad siya, I know where to get some of that "cholesterol fix" hahaha!


I'm not much of a rice person for as long as I know. Yes, I consume rice but not much of it. And the next best solution for carbo loading that works on me is pasta. Carbonara has been my food of choice than spaghetti (unless the spaghetti has tuna and mushrooms on the sauce). I've tried their Carbonara twice and while it almost failed on the first attempt (the noodles was a bit rubbery and bland texture wise), medyo nakabawi naman the second time. Although I hope they can put some more effort on maybe tweaking the recipe pa. 



I also ordered their Clubhouse sandwich during our last visit and it was good. The bacon, cheese egg and lettuce were filling and their scrambled egg on the sandwich isn't runny (one of my pet peeves with food is that I hate it when the scrambled egg or sunny side up is not cooked well). I'd order another one when I visit them next time. 


And when it comes to desserts, they also serve cakes on their menu. I was able to try their sans rival and compared to what I had from a commercial, store-brought pastry from a bakeshop, this one's better. The sweetness isn't too sweet, the crunch and the taste coming from the egg isn't overpowering. I felt like a kid again when I devoured on this huge slice, I finished that on my one (and forgot to share). I am just uncertain whether they have this on their menu all the time so better check with one of their staff for the availability. But nevertheless, this is worth spending some bucks on.

There still are a lot of food places and restaurants I have yet to explore in my hometown but at least, I got to tick one off my list. Overall, Inang Bina's Restaurant is always worth the visit from the ambiance to the food that can fill you up without emptying your wallet.




Saturday, March 25, 2017

Pain Has Its Effects

WARNING: What you are about to read is a very lengthy, personal post. You are not in any way, obliged nor asked for sympathy by the blog author. Should you find this entry boring, corny or too emotional, you are free to close this page, leave and read another blog. The author also asks readers to REFRAIN from leaving unsolicited advice or comments for this particular entry as it is not in any way among the reasons she wrote this blog post.

Don't say you weren't warned.

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It has been days since that incident with somebody happened. At kung anong epekto nun sa akin bukod sa sakit, madami. Don't get me wrong. I might look okay on the outside pero on the inside, there still is a wound in me that's trying to heal on its own.

It happened almost two weeks ago. Ang totoo, dapat immune na ako sa mga painful reaction given that I have gone through a number of the same situation with different people pero hindi pala. Hindi ako immune gaya ng akala ko. Maybe because I knew what I was feeling was genuine. True. Honest. I just don’t have the guts to verbally express it. It was that agonizing that it only took a night to make me weak and exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

I was shattered that was why.

And if there was any good thing out of this pain, yun ay nagawa kong makatulog ng malalim. I did not try sleeping with a broken part of me -- I just dragged myself to sleep out of emotional exhaustion.

They say you don't die out of brokenness. You just wish you did. At nung gabing yon, I found myself praying the same prayer I said when someone inflicted me with the same pain eight years ago -- For God to take me in my sleep. If that would be the best cure to end all the pain away.

I returned to work the next day despite of the truth that I was still not okay. And I indeed wasn't. I would get into a trip and fall accident along the way. Yes, I’ve always been clumsy for a fact pero that time, hindi ko rin alam that kung paano nauwi doon. Parang basta na lang akong bumagsak sa semento. Naramdaman ko na lang na yung dalawang palad ko nakalapat na sa kalsada at yung kaliwang paa ko, nagdudugo and as usual may sugat.

May sugat ka na nga sa paa, may sugat pa pati sa puso.
 How redundant and ironic could that be, right?

And during the whole day, patago akong umiiyak. Paunti-unti lang at kapag kailangan kong umiyak ng todo, aalis ako ng mesa at magkukulong ng kung ilang minuto sa dulong cubicle ng banyo. Nakaya ko man na magtrabaho nang buong araw, siguro ramdam ng ilan sa mga kasama ko na may mali dahil isa sa kanila ang nagtanong kung masama daw ba ang pakiramdam ko at baka kailangan ko ng gamot.

Yun lang, hindi naman kasi lahat ng sakit, kayang mapagaling ng kahit anong gamot -- kagaya ng sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Thinking it would possibly do me good, I decided to stop using my social media accounts (save for Instagram na naka-private naman) especially Facebook after placing my final post that said "Sometimes, silence is an answer too".

That is actually what I wanted or should I say I needed -- SILENCE. Gusto kong makahinga. Gusto kong magpahinga at mamahinga dahil ang totoo, pagod na rin ako.

This pain taught me how to deal with my situation in peace all because of silence. I am living by the incommunicado and chose isolation if this means achieving the silence I wanted, needed and deserved. As of this writing I took down my Facebook account and stopped using Messenger as well.  I decided to stay away from Facebook para na rin maiwasan ko ang mga tanong ng mga kaibigan at nung ibang nagkukunwaring kaibigan lang. Dahil bukod sa wala namang kaso (at wala ako sa barangay) ayokong magbigay ng paliwanag o ng sagot sa mga tanong na posibleng ma-misinterpret pa ng iba.

I don’t want people to put the blame on someone as to why I am hurting as I struggle to manage it on my own terms.  I don’t want others to look at that person negatively as I already am aware na mayroon nang mga taong ganon kung tumingin at humusga sa kanya -- kahit hindi nila siya lubos na kilala. And even if the person did hurt me, I don’t want to judge nor condemn in the same way that others might be doing. You may think I’m not in the right frame of mind to still think that way despite of being aggrieved but then, I still want to believe in kindness. For if I resort to be mean and judge the person for what the individual has done, I would just be among those who are mocking the person – and that’s someone I knew I am not.

Ayokong masaktan din siya dahil ayokong magsalita ng tapos. Kahit paano, maliit pa rin ang mundo at may posibilidad pa rin na magkrus ang landas namin -- na magkikita ulit kami at posible pang ma-restore whatever it is that can still be saved. I just don't want to blow off that possibility.   

We didn’t talk after what happened. But in a way, I was able to say what I truly felt during our last conversation. I poured my heart out on my response. Yung totoo, yung walang kinukubli. Yung nasa loob ko -- na hindi ako mananatili sa tabi niya para samahan, pakinggan at damayan siya sa mga pinagdadaanan niya if my response to his question is NO. Na kahit pwede kong tawagin ang sarili kong "kaibigan sa salita lang" dahil I only see myself as a nobody, just because this human being saw me as a friend, I decided to reciprocate dahil alam kong yun ang tama and that's what the person deserves....

Na kahit I have the easy choice to just ignore this person’s rants and concerns, hindi pa rin yun ang pinili ko. Na mas pinili kong samahan siya kahit pa ibig sabihin nun ay mararamdaman at pagdadaanan ko rin kung ano ang nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan niya. All because I knew it’s the right thing to do.

Sabi ng librong binabasa ko ngayon, "wag matakot magtanong". Bihira akong magtanong, but when I tried to ask, I got a crushing reply in return. They say what you don't know won't hurt you. On my part, siguro may mga bagay na hindi na lang sana tinatanong pa. I guess the person had an idea that I was hurt too because the individual apologized for giving an "honest answer". Nung tinanong niya ako kung ayaw ko na ba siyang maging kaibigan, gusto kong isipin (at hanggang ngayon may nagsasabi sa loob ko) na naaapektuhan din siya (or baka naman ako na naman lang yun, ayoko nang mag-assume). Alam ko, mayroon pa akong sagot na talagang gustong sabihin sa kanya but I was all too consumed by pain, sadness, confusion, the fear and trauma of a past experience repeating and the worry-- enough that it failed me to find the words.

A familiar verse in the Bible said, You will grieve. But your grief will become joy. And as I try to do the best I could to live one day at a time, there are moments I'd silently wish what I'm going through is just a temporary phase. That God converts my grief to joy -- at siya pa rin ang maging dahilan ng kasiyahang yun, at hindi mauwi sa wala ang mga dasal at paghihintay ko.

Pero for now, I’m living one day at a time, using it to devote attention to things I’ve always planned and hoped to do but I almost neglected. Honestly, I still want to be a friend sa kanya. The kind of friend that I’ve been to this person. I still want to stay and be there for this person just like how I stayed even before this incident surfaced. Ayokong iwan siya dahil ang totoo, this person deserves to have genuine friends na dadamay sa kanya, makikinig at uunawa sa kung anumang bumabagabag sa loob niya at sa isip niya – yung totoong kaibigan at hindi nagpapanggap lang. At isa sa mga pinagdadasal ko ay ang sana bigyan kami ng turning point to restore what could still be restored; for Him to heal what is in my whole being that needs to be healed and rebuilt.

Healing takes time and parts of it will have to be a work in progress.


Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Tired

I'm tired with everything
And it includes my feelings for you
Which I have kept for years in hiding
That I wished you never knew.

I'm trying to be strong
Though inside I'm badly broken
Beyond repair at one point
That I don't plan to build it again.

People think I'm just okay
As I secretly struggle to put the pain at bay
I may have decided to simply be silent
But this pain I'm in is damn persistent.

They say you don't die with a broken heart
You will just wish you did
I don't know how to deal with its shattered part
And where this pain will ever lead.



Tuesday, March 14, 2017

On Pain

The pain you feel is your body's way of telling you that something isn't right. And there is something that needs healing. That you are overdoing something or even not doing something enough. Or even a message from your heart saying one of your relationship needs attention. And like that famous line from that famous movie goes:Pain demands to be felt. The only way for it to go away is to befriend it. Because if not, then no matter how hard you try, that pain will keep demanding to be felt.

-Ex With Benefits, 2015-