I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago. At 36, I’d say I am getting close to midlife. It took me weeks before writing down this birthday post because this is a different year.

I remember telling Mama sometime this year that I am indeed getting older. I know I am because part of the daily grind is dealing with struggles and living during a critical and difficult time. If my parents had Martial Law, I, in this life have the COVID19 pandemic. Months ago, there would be moments that I would silently have questions in my head. It was at the height of this pandemic when I would ask myself two things:

Magiging COVID19 victim din ba ako? and will I still be alive to reach my birthday this year.

I know it’s morbid. But at the same time, that’s reality. I know you’ll think I’m that paranoid but these thoughts reached to a point when just a month before my birthday, rather than thinking of how to celebrate that day, I found myself drafting an Executor’s Dossier (a thing I learned from working in a law firm) which contained a list of my online accounts and passwords and my instructions concerning those should the inevitable happen. It might be creepy for some, but to me, given that we are dealing and living at a time of worry, fear and uncertainty, that would be one less thing for me and my family to worry about.

Maybe, getting older was also a thing to blame that I did not really aim at the usual celebrations with a blast. Next to spending some quiet time visiting Papa and my grandparents at the nearby memorial park, I just went on to have my morning coffee at Starbucks. That was the only thing I’d even tell  Mama when she asked about my birthday plans.