Zone of Solitude

At the start of the year, I remember making revisions on my bucket list. Among those I wrote was to visit old churches in the country, mostly to those that I have yet to be in. I have always kept an eye wandering in the old churches in Manila. But upon research, there were actually five old parishes from where I live. So it got me thinking, why not begin at where I am instead.

It took a while for me to plan where to start this year's personal endeavor which I called The OC (as in One Church) Project. I am just available for non-work-related activities during weekends, and most of those weekends, I preferred staying at home because of the unfriendly summer weather lately. But last week, I finally found the free time to do it so armed with my backpack, sunscreen and my phone, I followed my "sneaker's instincts" and went off church hunting.

Given the proximity, Taytay Rizal became my first order of business. St. John the Baptist Church is situated just a few meters away from Taytay's old municipal hall. The church may have been renovated but it still is considered an old church given that it was founded in 1579 and the structure itself was completed in 1630. Interestingly, hundreds of years prior to being named saint, St. Pedro Calungsod became an altar boy in this church in 1666.

Another thing that made me choose to visit this church for my personal project was because this place holds a fond memory to me and our family. My parents got married in this church 32 years ago. The photo above is how the altar looks at present -- very much different to how it was when they exchanged their I Do's in 1984. Call it a funny coincidence but on the day and time that I arrived in the church, a wedding ceremony was about to start so by a stroke of luck, I was able to witness the whole ceremony.

And by paying this place a visit, on a personal note, it made me realize how I was able to conquer a particular fear which I've had for the longest time -- that of seeing weddings. Yeah, I know it sounds absurd but I had my own share of such phobia. Not that I hate seeing weddings, I just tend to cringe and couldn't stand seeing one for a reason I didn't know. While I was only after fulfilling a thing on my wishlist and visiting a place relevant to my parents' love story, I got to face a certain fear and win over it unknowingly.

It felt good that I was able to accomplish such an endeavor. It was so refreshing to have paid this place a visit and given that I was able to accomplish one church last week, I am happy to say I am looking forward to the next one (still in Rizal) which I hope to do in the coming weeks and yes, I will post it on this blog :-)

St. John the Baptist Church
Sumulong St. Bgy Dolores
Taytay, Rizal

It isn't election day yet. But in a number of times I have participated with this event, activities, voting and all, this must be the most critical and most difficult one at the same time.

Despite seeing those posts left and right on social media, I decided to stay quiet with who to vouch. And my decision to keep quiet were because of a lot of things: I opted not to say a word because I've had seen and read most of those posts that contained mostly nothing but trash talk. I admit I've had enough of those after seeing it for weeks. I have heard how a number of friendships were severed just because they have different ideologies as to the candidate they are supporting.

But most of all, I am seriously dead tired of reading those rants and bickering sessions every single freaking day. Come to think of it, whether we like it or not, come June 30, someone is still going to swear on the Bible ending it with the words "so help me God".

Lesson 1: Binoto mo man siya o hindi, wala kang magagawa. Meron at meron tayong magiging presidente. Sa ayaw mo man sa kanya o sa gusto. Pero isipin mo rin na ang pagpili ng tamang kandidato parang pag-ibig din yan: nararamdaman at hindi nabibili!

This election, it's going to be the first time that my family won't have that "solid vote." Unlike the previous ones when we tend to agree on supporting one candidate, this year's not the case. Yes, they kept telling me to just follow suit and vote the one they want but I don't give any word because of two reasons: I don't want to engage in too lengthy talks (that I have always read on social media); and I was being silent out of respect.

Lesson 2: Respect for one's choices is the main sign of love -- oo, kahit pa ang ibig sabihin noOn ay ang pagkakaiba ng pananaw nyo sa iboboto nyong presidente.

Another thing I realized during this whole period was that those "election struggles" are real. I tend to get those flashbacks of a particular day as I write this part. I won't go into specifics. But while the situation for me was something I consider to be a tough one I've dealt with, it made me realize my worth and what I could do. That just when you think you're doing things wrong, someone's got to tell you you are doing something right -- even for once.

Lesson 3: Politics is never easy. And once in a while someone will need someone like you to rely upon. Bear in mind that you are doing the right thing when you stand firm for someone and for the things and principles that you believe in.

On the other hand, I never thought this whole thing would allow me to realize that certain situations would show me that I am not just working "in aid of legislation" but I am also living to advocate truth. That despite being really worried and scared for someone's safety, security and reputation, (and this is the first time that it seriously happened to me), you should still balance things and choose to be on the side of what is truthful, just and right.

Lesson 4: A lot of things may go wrong but there will always be one that's going to be right. Sometimes, in the midst of your choice to be silent in the face of an adversity, the majority is ready to fight on your behalf -- because they know the truth will have to and should always prevail.

Two days. That is all that we've got before we elect a new head of state. Yes, this election is certainly different -- scary even. I cannot say that while I have some apprehensions, I am not part of the silent majority either. I still reserve the name of who I am voting for and I know most of us have our own fears and reservations about who could end up winning but maybe, we just need to do one thing (taking it from Sarah Geronimo's character, Laida in A Very Special Love (oo, idinamay ko na sya):

Lesson 5: Maniwala na lang tayo sa goodness.

Yes. I think we won't go wrong with that -- for we were born with such trait after all.

The last time I ventured in poetry was more than a decade ago. Prior to becoming The Petroglyphs' editor-in-chief, the first position I held in the organization was as literary editor in my freshman year. I continued venturing into that form of literature long until after graduation. I was able to write about a hundred. However, some things came thereafter that prompted me to write less frequently -- from having to go job hunting, dealing with a harsh relationship breakup, and eventually becoming busy with a full-time job with different schedules, I became occupied that I've forgotten poems altogether.

Not to mention that I had developed the morbid belief that poets tend to become suicidal later on in their lives (think Plath and Sexton among others) I realized I did not want to go through that. I completely parked my poetic pen for good.

I've never been familiar with spoken poetry (or like how a couple of office mates refer to it as oral poetry) even then either. Though my interest got piqued a little after watching Juan Miguel Severo in one of the episodes of On the Wings of Love. Soon after, I saw one Youtube video of him performing his piece Ang Huling Tula na Isusulat ko Para Sayo (which was a chest-wrenching performance I have to say). In a way, he is one young man who is still has high regard to the traditional art form, for developing a love for an old craft in this modern time.

When his book Habang Wala Pa Sila was released in bookstores about a month or so ago, I initially had hesitations to buy it. But after not so much thought, I decided to get a copy just for the sake of literary curiosity and because I was in search of something new to read and for my mind to devour on. It's a compilation of his pieces about love. I am now halfway through the book; and reading his works made me feel nostalgic in some way. It brought the feels. Of the years when I too, was doing the same.

In my current single state, his book gave me the feelings: of how to fall in love again and the pains of being heartbroken (minus the heart breaker). Reading his book allows one to feel the kilig, the joy, the pain and sometimes, just letting the tears fall reading the poem about trying to let go.

And despite reading the book, the prodding of colleagues and of my mom to go back and write again, I still don't have plans to go back but who knows, maybe, when creative juices strike enough for me to pour them all out, I would just find myself releasing and driving that pen again.

I've lost count of how long I have been away from this blog without hardly any update. My workload had been busy not to mention my March has been filled with goodbyes and so my heart and my emotions are still reeling and trying to recover.

I am still alive. Just occupied.

If not for two colleagues who were asking me if I plan to return to writing, I won't think of doing this post. In a way, I am trying to divert the sadness I've been feeling. From the abrupt departure of Jeff and on Holy Tuesday, the death of Inay Merced, my 95 year-old grandmother.

We laid her to rest a week ago and we are trying to live our lives with the changes her demise had brought -- including the fact that we will no longer have her around permanently. I tried hard not to cry on the day of her funeral but the painful realization that I won't see her anymore was that strong that hold back my tears is just impossible to do.

On our way to church for the requiem mass, this song was played in the car where her remains are. For years, I have listened to this song on sad episodes of TV series I would watch to the point that I've grown to like it. I will not deny but I really do miss Inay. These days, there is never a day that I would see a thing or two that would remind me how much he liked this particular food, place and yes even music. And always on those days I would be left with a feeling as if someone splashed freezing cold water on my face. That sends up a "wake up call" to me that at the end of the day, I'd come home and she's no longer there. I would still hear this song nowadays but in the middle of it I'd get a lump on my throat and that urge of wanting to let those chest-wrenching sobs out.

In the midst of grief, I can't help but think probably death is just somewhat similar to marriage -- in some ways, it's among life's realities. I used to view death as an "alien concept" but life had its way of explaining things to me. Blame it on the fact that my job deals with the truth that despite someone's death, life for those left behind has to go on or because I have a friend who experienced the death of a parent at the age of 15, it gave him a mature view of death and the world, which is something he is able to impart to me during these times.

Despite everything however, I just viewed it as this: I may miss the things she used to do or the things I did for her but then, reaching up to the age of 95 (yes, close to being a centenarian) in this day and age when people die earlier that expected is already a "life lived full circle". And that maybe, just maybe, during the times we were together here on earth, I may have done something that could be just small but to her, mattered a lot and was enough (or maybe more than that) to make her happy.

I miss her. It's hard but moving on is necessary and some inexplicable feelings out of grief will take time to get back to normal.

Whenever another year is about to arrive, one staple item in a person's wish list is a new planner. Yuppies even students nowadays carry one. For 2016, I opted for the Eskwelahan Planner which I bought at Fully Booked Eastwood Mall a few days before 2015 ended. In the first two years with my current job, I resorted to the usual generic planner and after having two of those (for 2012 and 2014), I decided I don't want one that looks boring (as I don't want a generic life for the whole year career wise).

You may think that this planner is more for the nerdy/geeky type of person (hence the name Eskwelahan) but let me tell you that this is not just for students -- it could also fit those in the corporate world.

I first learned of Eskwelahan planner from a former colleague Jasmine. At first, I just found the front cover nice. But there was more to its interesting cover. Let me show you some of its cool yet really useful features:

1. Expenses tracker -- So that you get to monitor how much you spend the whole month and if you're close to hitting the zero-balance level even before payday arrives.

2. Mood/inspiration boards -- they're intended to be blank pages for you to doodle your ideas or past photos on .

3. Spaces for for your daily to-do list - The blank pages are not ruled ones so for someone who is OC with penmanship, putting notes on it (and doing so on one straight line) could be a challenge.

4. Games, quotes and trivia -- Who says planners can't become a source of interesting information? Every page of the 2016 Eskwelahan Planner contain bits and pieces of valuable details that could be useful conversation starters and icebreakers.

5. It contains coupons for discounts and freebies -- This to me is the best part ;-) From SkyRanch to Zen Zest to A1 Driving School, Eskwelahan Planner includes coupons that one can use within the year.

And if you're the maabubot type of person, the planner also has its back pocket enough to store tickets, receipts or photos. I just jazzed mine up by putting a strip of washi tape from another online dealer.

Eskwelahan 2016 Planner comes in two colors: Gold ad blue back cover and retails for PhP400.00 (I got mine for PhP460.00 at Fully Booked). You may also order online by going to this link.

It had to take a week after the New Year for me to draft up something for this year's list. Well, no one can blame me I guess. Given all that happened in the last two weeks of December 2015, I had to use that long-awaited break to literally hibernate my senses after giving all that I can to my job and "extra-curricular" activities in between. And it takes a week to finally (or maybe partially) get my mojo back to function normally again.

On the last day of 2015, I took timer to look at what I've written on my planner about my plans for that year. And with the outcome, two things became evident: 1. Writing out your plans are an effective way to achieve it; and 2. Based on those that I ticked (or circled), the past year has been a fruitful one. And so, this year, I decided to come up with another batch of things to fulfill for 2016. I didn't follow the usual template I had from last year (which I got from my Facebook news feed) instead, I had to justify the things in my list.

1. To live lightly. If I was able to partially break that habit of worrying last year, probably I can do better this year.

2. Excel more in my job. Being in the same job is not an excuse to hide if not retire that happy mojo. Quoting a line from the Devil Wears Prada, "a million girls would kill for this job" and I was among the lucky ones to get it and so the more grateful I should be.

3. Focus on health and find time for relaxation. Being sick and having to visit the hospital 10 times last year isn't a joke. I'm guilty as charged of almost unconsciously becoming a workaholic and I plan to change that this year.

4. Try to be involved at election-related activities. The most prestigious position on the land is again up for grabs (and no, it's not Miss Universe, ha) and while the title associated to being a president is way too enticing, the more picky one should be with who is truly deserving to get that coveted approval. Exercise that solemn duty not just going out to vote but to seriously knowing your candidates.

5. Continue a project. Last year, I commenced on this activity, I called 12 Movies Project. Interestingly, in each movie that I saw I was able to gather a number of life lessons (at hindi "hugot lines" lang) most of which were written in my old planner. While I fell short of one movie to complete the 12, tt was that engaging that I want to do it again again this year.

6. Discover places. I've always wanted to set my foot on old churches which I have yet to visit. It was among the items on my bucket list until I decided to extend the list not just to places of worship but to those that narrate history -- MUSEUMS! After all, I'm a huge history geek and it would feed my inner historian :-)

7. Devote time and effort to personally know “JVT” and maybe ease my Math anxiety by getting math lessons. For I am being told by my conscience that I only live once and I don't have all the time in the world to keep letting the chance pass -- better find time to know people while you still have them.

8. Prioritize privacy on other matters. Because I am still a girl who needs to have her own secrets. enough said. :-)

9. Read more.Write often. As I do this entry, I still have a few books from last year waiting to be read and long overdue things drafted on my blog unpublished if not unfinished. And while both are what I loved doing, I admit they got neglected due to my busy schedule at work. I am not making promises though but I’ll see to it that I’d be able to set aside time for those this year.

10. To challenge myself by taking a leap of faith. And by that leap of faith means something I haven’t tried doing (but always wanted to) and it’s far from what you’re thinking. ;-)

While I have to admit (though I have to just to be honest), I don't believe in New Year's resolutions in the same manner that I don't believe in forever. One need not to wait for another brand new year to make amends and improve oneself. because I believe that each day, when you are granted that miracle of waking up to a brand new morning, you are also given with a new lease of chance to change for the better. It's just up to you if you want to get moving or live a stagnant life.

Makes sense, right?

Whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you will receive them and you will have them.

It has been two days since my birthday. I am another year older but it's a bit funny and weird because I always felt a few years younger. My colleagues and my family threw me a birthday party just like in the past years. And just like how it has been for four birthdays, I spent half of my day in the office to perform my duty.

Save for a prayerful wish for my big day, I really did not receive any other gifts. I suppose material things tend to be insignificant as you get older. Instead, I only had one in prayer and it's been something I have been asking God for for a number of years now. Weeks before my birthday together with my prayer, I finally tried to ask God for a sign. I won't go into the specifics of my prayer but I asked God "the color blue" as the sign that I needed. While I believe more in prayers than in signs, I thought maybe, doing it for once won't do any harm.

But on the day itself, there was an unexpected turn of events that happened on the last minute. When I realized how the events turned out, I have finally conceded to God and surrendered that probably, my prayer is not meant to be mine to have and so I went home.

I don't know but hours after my birthday, when the celebrations had died down. I found myself raiding the fridge for something to eat. I found the cake that was brought by a friend at our home earlier that day. As I was removing the cake, my attention was caught by the candle taped on top of the box. For a moment, I found myself staring blankly at it.

It was a blue candle. While it was not part of the manner I mentioned, it was the exact color that I asked in my prayer. The moment I saw it, I just froze, my knees almost like a Jell-O and I went into a period of momentary disbelief. I wanted to cry but I don't know where those supposed chest wrenching tears went. Just when I already waved the white flag, accepting that my prayer won't be answered anymore, He unexpectedly gave me a response in a modified but still aligned manner like what I prayed for.

MABUHAY!

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