Zone of Solitude

"Sometimes, it's the little things, the unexpected gestures, that leave the most lasting memories."

I rarely post about personal moments on this blog, but there is one incident recently that led me to create this entry. It was something that's too laudable to be left unnoticed, much more unwritten.

Almost a week after the out of town outreach activity that I attended, I woke up one morning to another message from my mentor and former professor. In it was an attached screenshot of a message, and upon closer look, I found out that the message was an invitation sent by the person who invited me to the recently held community activity. This time, it was an invitation for my former professor and her family to his home in line with the festivities of the town fiesta.

I could have just reacted to it with an affirming word or an emoji. But what caught my attention and left me pleasantly surprised were the words that followed:

"Isama nyo po si (Ate) Glaiza."

I know you're going to ask me what I felt after reading that part, and I will be candid and honest. While the message was able to immediately draw a smile on my face, I felt stressed for a brief moment upon seeing it (despite that I haven't even provided any response yet) because being present would not just mean getting to experience how the occasion is being celebrated in his town. It also meant meeting his family (including his parents) for the first time — something that created knots in my stomach because I was not prepared for that scenario.

Yes, the "Overthinking Tita" character in me made its unexpected arrival that day despite being uninvited.

To cut the story short though, we had to politely send our apologies; because as much as I wanted to accept the invitation and show up, my companions could not make it. My professor and her husband caught the flu and needed time to rest and recuperate, and it would be too awkward if I went to the occasion on my own.

Although I may have lost the opportunity to see a joyous event in someone's hometown and get to know his family, I must admit that I was also pleased by the guy's considerate act that day. Yes, some anxiety and worry may have shaken my veins at first, but the noble gesture and the fact that I was in his thoughts touched a part of my heart, and convinced me that somehow, chivalry still exists even at this time.

This note (in my handwriting) might be from 2016,
but it's one of the things that I strongly believe in.

To receive a random act of kindness from another person in this time when good manners is something that is easily being neglected by many, is enough to make it remarkable. But what makes a thoughtful gesture more significant is when it happens at the least expected moment. And while there may be some hint of "regret" for missing the chance to enjoy a colorful celebration, and meet someone's loved ones, I still believe that when the time is precisely right, these things will, and can still happen. For now, I will again hold on to one of those meaningful lines that I once saw from a TV ad. To which it states, "for all the firsts that you've missed, there is always a second chance."

When all the festivities of New Year's Day ended, I was able to find time to focus and contemplate my hopes for this year. Next to knowing the right career path to take and getting to accomplish some health-related goals, I really did not make a lot of plans, to be honest. Instead, all I had wanted for this year was expressed through a simple but heartfelt prayer.

"Dalhin Mo ako sa mga lugar na hindi ko pa napupuntahan at kung saan ako mas magiging kailangan,"

Every event has a mandatory class picture :-)

It was a request with a few words, but what I didn't know is how God would surprise me with an "almost immediate" response. A day after New Year, I got a message from the incumbent president of Tanay Kapamilya Lions Club, Jonas Flores, inviting me to an outreach activity they organized for the kids of Rehoboth Sampaloc Ministries. I have been given a heads-up by my former professor, Ma'am Cez, about the event weeks before. I had the chance to be present at two of their events last year, but I had reservations about joining this one because I also received another invitation from a friend to join a medical mission in another province. I spent two weeks contemplating both activities. But just when I had made my decision to join the medical mission, some unforeseen turn of events happened. I just found myself travelling to Tanay at 6 am on Saturday, January 18.

One of my favorite shot from last Saturday taken by Ma'am Cez -- with Shin, and Tanay Kapamilya Lions Club president, Jonas Flores.

With URS Angono ANGMERC president Ria dela Cruz.

Just like last year when I attended their community awareness talk, I was with Ma'am Cez Villegas (who brought along her niece, Shin, the hubby Jon and their daughter Ciljon). Ria, the president of the emergency response council of my former school, joined us after I mentioned the event to her during a quick trip to her campus days prior to the activity. I was supposed to be the storyteller that day, but when I found out that Ria is an aspiring teacher, I thought of asking her if she wanted to give the task of storytelling a try, and she agreed.

It may just be a three-hour activity, but it was a good thing that I showed up and joined Ma'am Cez and her family. Having volunteered in an orphanage years ago, it not just raised a certain level of awareness but also became an eye-opener on the plight of kids and how the presence of adults positively impacts their lives. Interacting with the young residents of Rehoboth, it made me realize this would be the least that I could do for them. That if it's not part of God's plan for me to become a mom and have my own children, at least, by devoting a portion of my time to these kids, I get to fill the void in their being that longs for care, attention, and love—and the closest chance for me to feel how it's like to be a mom, even for a while.

Despite showing up for the activity with zero sleep, I'd like to say that the time I spent travelling to the hills of Tanay and bonding with the children was truly worth it. At the end of the day, I have come to understand why the last-minute change of plan (that was beyond my control) had to happen—it's because God knew better where to lead me, and He saw who needed me the most.

I am drafting this blog post while everyone at home is asleep. I'm taking this quiet time to finally write, as this is the only moment I have to pour out and process the thoughts that have been filling up my introverted mind for weeks.

As I try to write this final post for 2024, I try to think about all the things that transpired for me this year, and it's quite a lot. The photos I had both on my Instagram page and my Google Drive narrated just a few shots and snippets of my year. Well, part of me said this year was a good one, but there were also a few instances where I failed on a few things too.

While I discovered interesting pursuits like getting hooked on the printed versions of Wattpad stories that young adults these days talk about, watching its on-screen adaptations, and getting acquainted with new ventures, and marked a number of milestones, such as conquering my first lecturer/trainer gig, celebrating my 40th birthday, and having another "guest appearance" during the Quest for Journ's Best during the MIL Week, I had to be honest in saying that 2024 wasn't really a year seen in rose-colored glasses.

This year pushed me to unexpectedly conquer something and take a risk, not once but three times. Yes, it may seem to be an achievement at first given that I am really not a risk-taker for such a long time, but sadly, despite giving it a shot (and even got good results) it ended with a plot twist: heartbreak. It was a kind of heartbreak that almost left me hitting rock bottom that happened a month ago. I won't go into further details as I am still in the process of recovering and trying to put the broken pieces of myself together.

If there is one good thing that got uncovered out of this emotionally painful ordeal, it's how the the gift of friendship existed despite the distance. I am just thankful that I have friends who were always ready to listen, especially during the first few weeks of my ordeal. Their presence during that painful and difficult period somehow helped me to stay afloat, particularly during the days when I felt so consumed by the loneliness and disappointment that what I just wanted to do was cry my heart out.

While the days preceding New Year's Day are usually devoted creating a new batch of plans and resolutions, I want to postpone mine for maybe a few weeks. I don't intend to make a lot of new year resolutions as I want to concentrate on certain "targets" that I know I can really achieve. After all, making resolutions and accomplishing them can still hit me anytime within the year—not just on the first day of the new year. And plans and resolutions can be compared to creating a restaurant menu. More often than not, a longer list creates confusion and chaos, which depletes its purpose of guiding a person on how he/she wants to efficiently utilize the next 365 days.

Just as the idea of my poem states, there are things, people, and memories that I am certain I want to leave behind in 2024 and no longer bring to the new year. And there are aspirations and plans that I hope to achieve too, but I want to keep those for myself, raise them to God in prayer, and silently try my best to work in any way I can in achieving them.

In my previous post, I mentioned receiving an unexpected bouquet of flowers. While common birthday bouquets come in the form of either red or pink roses, the one that I got was something I consider unusual -- because those were pink gerberas.

I won't be ashamed to admit. I haven't received flowers in ages. The last time that it happened was back when I was still in my senior year in college when I became an awardee during the Recognition ceremony of my alma mater. But contrary to the usual elated reaction, there were just two emotions that I felt when I saw the bouquet on my bed: fear and confusion.

I felt scared for a moment because it reminded me of a scene in a story I wrote for Wattpad three years back. I admit that I had goosebumps after realizing that this scene that's supposed to stay as part of a work of fiction was suddenly brought to life.

The only difference? The one in fiction had the courage to somehow reveal his identity.

In the midst of confusion, guests and family members who were present during my birthday dinner had their wild guesses. From the ex-boyfriend who cheated on me more than a decade ago, the politician that kept tagging me as his "friendly plus one" to gatherings back when I was still a paralegal, to this person that I met during the first half of the year.

I had my own "person of interest", but I wanted to put the guessing game to rest so I went to check the card that came with the flowers. But it was an attempt that gave me a negative result because not a single clue could be found in it.

I allowed a few days to pass, but last Friday, I took the courage to send a message to the store where the flowers came from. Knowing how messages can just be ignored, it was a long shot at best. But prior to hitting send, I have decided that I'll be okay regardless of the response (that is if I'll ever get one).

It only took a few minutes for the store answered my inquiry. And what I got were these words:

The flower shop even sent me a copy of the transaction slip to support their reply, and it really appears that the sender is keen to remain anonymous. Of course, for a moment, my heart sank given that even this last attempt to try to resolve something failed. I just left another message if they could pass on my words of thanks to the person who did the floral arrangement after thanking the staff for their reply. After all, the said surprise gift was indeed beautiful.

While I may have failed to get the result I wanted despite exhausting all effort, and ways that I can think of, I realized that some things are still worth a shot -- even if you are unsure of what the result would be. Never be ashamed to ask for help when you need it because the world is full of people who are willing to come to your aid -- even through strangers that you haven't met. One should not be scared to give things a try, because unless you try, ask, and act on something, the answer is always going to be "no". I learned that if you don't give in to courage, you won't be able to put those "what ifs" to rest. For now, I am content in knowing that I've done what I could while counting on the lines said by one of the characters from the story that I wrote.

The answers that you need will present themselves at the right time.

And I could attest that there's truth in those words.

Reagan Bear stayed up late too to keep me company and welcome my birthday!

I didn't immediately realize that I am writing this proof of life post almost two months late. A lot has been happening lately on the home front and with my day-to-day whereabouts that I have been busy almost daily. But just like the candid line that I've heard a long time ago (and once told a colleague), "better late than ~~pregnant~~ never!"

Anyway, I am glad (and kinda proud) to say that I officially turned 40 almost two weeks ago. Lately, there still are days when I couldn't even believe that I've already reached this age. When I was just 18, I wondered if I will still be alive to see myself reach the age of 30. And just days after I finally hit the big 3-0, the next thing I thought of was how life's going to be like for me at 40.

And a decade later, I finally arrived to that part.

While 40 is a considered as a milestone to celebrate, I did mine in just a rather quiet and simple fashion. Nothing grand. In fact, despite being the celebrant, I was still running an errand a couple of hours before the celebration. There were no gifts to mark the occasion either -- well, except for that beautiful bouquet of pink gerberas that was sent by someone who prefers to remain anonymous. It was just a dinner party with my family (which was even more memorable because my late dad's last two surviving siblings, who I refer to as the Canadian Aunties, are in the country!) and the people that mattered and has been with me for years.

In between the happy conversations, I was silently trying to recall what life brought me in my 30s to bring me to where I am now. From beginning that era with the offer to be a guest speaker to a younger batch of graduating students, passing one of the most difficult exams in the country, pondering about life and loss, experiencing and surviving life during a global health pandemic, and taking that courageous step to give things another try, I must admit that it was a good one. It may not be all about celebrations, but the last 10 years was a good mix of struggles, triumphs, grief, lessons, and meaningful experiences.

As I blew the candles on my birthday cake weeks ago, my friend Jonathan joked that my wish this year appears to be that significant dahil ang tagal ko daw hipan ang kandila! But to be honest, in the last three years that I celebrated my birthday, I really did not have any particular wish in mind. And maybe, it's part of the process of getting old. You learn to value peace and quiet. Be content and fine with what you have, trust the process, and just let life surprise you. Anyway, the Lord already knew the desires of my heart. After all, it has always been among the things that I've been praying for. Right now, I intend to use this new chapter to begin new adventures, collect more core memories, and hopefully, live a life of meaning and purpose.

A few days after giving the lecture on editorial and opinion column writing during the school publication adviser's training at Angono National High School, I was notified again by URS Angono extension unit head, Ma'am Annie Balbuena that another lecture in the same venue is on the works. This time, the session will be for the elementary and high school students who are part of different school publications.

I just made some clarification with Ma'am Annie on a few things about the event before preparing for my talk, which was more relaxed this time. And since I mentioned the importance of knowing your audience (or readers) during my previous lecture, I only did a few revisions on the material that I used a week before to make it relevant to the new batch of attendees.

Talk about relaxed from the discussion to the outfit -- because this is just a repeat :-D

I arrived to a room full of 126 students on the morning of September 19, but this number was eventually split into different groups. I want to believe that there was a reason as to why my schedule for the lecture fell on a Thursday; because while I sat on the designated area for guest speakers (my mentor, Ma'am Cez Rañola-Villegas was also scheduled to give a talk on feature writing that day), looking at the students as they settle in their seats left me with a thought running in my head.

These kids were just like me back then.

My lecture with the students were done in 45 minutes, and it was fun and interesting. I also used a "question and answer" segment and it showed the competitive side of the kids. While a great number of participants were first timers, there were also quite a few who were attentive and had an idea of what was being discussed. However, when we reached the competition part, that was when the other realizations started sinking in.

I had to raise an issue with the entries and informed one of the organizers that we could not declare a winner for the elementary category in editorial writing; because of this, the participants had to be called back the next day for another round of competition.

I took this photo with the hopes that after an hour, there will finally be a winner.

Repeating the competition meant a return appearance for me the next day. As I observed these elementary campus journalists while doing their task (after having to redo the explaining, and providing them with a different contest material), next to thinking about a few shortcomings that I may have overlooked the day before, the message sent by one of my former staff writers, Michael Ray hit me:

The challenge now is how to teach journalism to young minds and instill it to them in this age where they are more exposed to using social media instead of spending time to read a newspaper.

And he was right. At the start of my lecture the day before, I had to hide my disappointment when only a student from the crowd raised a hand after I asked who among them still reads a newspaper. The problem about being too immersed in technology and social media further became evident when I saw how some students view current events. Unlike high school students who can somehow grasp the idea of editorial and opinion column articles, discussing the same topic to a younger group of elementary students is challenging and would entail an amount of patience.

One of them even labelled journalists as "expert gossip mongers" (or in simple terms, chismoso) in his/her contest entry which made me to candidly think for a moment that maybe, I should just sell my college diploma.

But on a more serious note, while a few of my friends were proud and happy with what I have done and accomplished, the need to educate young minds on the importance of verifying facts, and being aware about issues involving the country and its citizen in this time of rampant AI and social media dependency is a serious matter. This is a "chief complaint" that needs to be taken seriously, and addressed attentively because next to the elderly population, the young mind is prone to being a prey to twisted truths and false information.

Despite the unforeseen situation that occurred, I was just happy to have done my part of imparting my skills, time, and expertise in shaping the minds of these aspiring campus journalists. And if I should be invited again to another opportunity similar to this one, I would still respond with a resounding yes -- and I aim to do better; because by doing these talks and lectures, I am not just teaching kids about the importance of the profession. It also gives me a significant purpose.

(Photos courtesy of Sir Bernard Jaz Bautista Sanchez and Ms. Maria Cecilia R. Villegas)