Saturday, March 25, 2017

Pain Has Its Effects

WARNING: What you are about to read is a very lengthy, personal post. You are not in any way, obliged nor asked for sympathy by the blog author. Should you find this entry boring, corny or too emotional, you are free to close this page, leave and read another blog. The author also asks readers to REFRAIN from leaving unsolicited advice or comments for this particular entry as it is not in any way among the reasons she wrote this blog post.

Don't say you weren't warned.

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It has been days since that incident with somebody happened. At kung anong epekto nun sa akin bukod sa sakit, madami. Don't get me wrong. I might look okay on the outside pero on the inside, there still is a wound in me that's trying to heal on its own.

It happened almost two weeks ago. Ang totoo, dapat immune na ako sa mga painful reaction given that I have gone through a number of the same situation with different people pero hindi pala. Hindi ako immune gaya ng akala ko. Maybe because I knew what I was feeling was genuine. True. Honest. I just don’t have the guts to verbally express it. It was that agonizing that it only took a night to make me weak and exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

I was shattered that was why.

And if there was any good thing out of this pain, yun ay nagawa kong makatulog ng malalim. I did not try sleeping with a broken part of me -- I just dragged myself to sleep out of emotional exhaustion.

They say you don't die out of brokenness. You just wish you did. At nung gabing yon, I found myself praying the same prayer I said when someone inflicted me with the same pain eight years ago -- For God to take me in my sleep. If that would be the best cure to end all the pain away.

I returned to work the next day despite of the truth that I was still not okay. And I indeed wasn't. I would get into a trip and fall accident along the way. Yes, I’ve always been clumsy for a fact pero that time, hindi ko rin alam that kung paano nauwi doon. Parang basta na lang akong bumagsak sa semento. Naramdaman ko na lang na yung dalawang palad ko nakalapat na sa kalsada at yung kaliwang paa ko, nagdudugo and as usual may sugat.

May sugat ka na nga sa paa, may sugat pa pati sa puso.
 How redundant and ironic could that be, right?

And during the whole day, patago akong umiiyak. Paunti-unti lang at kapag kailangan kong umiyak ng todo, aalis ako ng mesa at magkukulong ng kung ilang minuto sa dulong cubicle ng banyo. Nakaya ko man na magtrabaho nang buong araw, siguro ramdam ng ilan sa mga kasama ko na may mali dahil isa sa kanila ang nagtanong kung masama daw ba ang pakiramdam ko at baka kailangan ko ng gamot.

Yun lang, hindi naman kasi lahat ng sakit, kayang mapagaling ng kahit anong gamot -- kagaya ng sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Thinking it would possibly do me good, I decided to stop using my social media accounts (save for Instagram na naka-private naman) especially Facebook after placing my final post that said "Sometimes, silence is an answer too".

That is actually what I wanted or should I say I needed -- SILENCE. Gusto kong makahinga. Gusto kong magpahinga at mamahinga dahil ang totoo, pagod na rin ako.

This pain taught me how to deal with my situation in peace all because of silence. I am living by the incommunicado and chose isolation if this means achieving the silence I wanted, needed and deserved. As of this writing I took down my Facebook account and stopped using Messenger as well.  I decided to stay away from Facebook para na rin maiwasan ko ang mga tanong ng mga kaibigan at nung ibang nagkukunwaring kaibigan lang. Dahil bukod sa wala namang kaso (at wala ako sa barangay) ayokong magbigay ng paliwanag o ng sagot sa mga tanong na posibleng ma-misinterpret pa ng iba.

I don’t want people to put the blame on someone as to why I am hurting as I struggle to manage it on my own terms.  I don’t want others to look at that person negatively as I already am aware na mayroon nang mga taong ganon kung tumingin at humusga sa kanya -- kahit hindi nila siya lubos na kilala. And even if the person did hurt me, I don’t want to judge nor condemn in the same way that others might be doing. You may think I’m not in the right frame of mind to still think that way despite of being aggrieved but then, I still want to believe in kindness. For if I resort to be mean and judge the person for what the individual has done, I would just be among those who are mocking the person – and that’s someone I knew I am not.

Ayokong masaktan din siya dahil ayokong magsalita ng tapos. Kahit paano, maliit pa rin ang mundo at may posibilidad pa rin na magkrus ang landas namin -- na magkikita ulit kami at posible pang ma-restore whatever it is that can still be saved. I just don't want to blow off that possibility.   

We didn’t talk after what happened. But in a way, I was able to say what I truly felt during our last conversation. I poured my heart out on my response. Yung totoo, yung walang kinukubli. Yung nasa loob ko -- na hindi ako mananatili sa tabi niya para samahan, pakinggan at damayan siya sa mga pinagdadaanan niya if my response to his question is NO. Na kahit pwede kong tawagin ang sarili kong "kaibigan sa salita lang" dahil I only see myself as a nobody, just because this human being saw me as a friend, I decided to reciprocate dahil alam kong yun ang tama and that's what the person deserves....

Na kahit I have the easy choice to just ignore this person’s rants and concerns, hindi pa rin yun ang pinili ko. Na mas pinili kong samahan siya kahit pa ibig sabihin nun ay mararamdaman at pagdadaanan ko rin kung ano ang nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan niya. All because I knew it’s the right thing to do.

Sabi ng librong binabasa ko ngayon, "wag matakot magtanong". Bihira akong magtanong, but when I tried to ask, I got a crushing reply in return. They say what you don't know won't hurt you. On my part, siguro may mga bagay na hindi na lang sana tinatanong pa. I guess the person had an idea that I was hurt too because the individual apologized for giving an "honest answer". Nung tinanong niya ako kung ayaw ko na ba siyang maging kaibigan, gusto kong isipin (at hanggang ngayon may nagsasabi sa loob ko) na naaapektuhan din siya (or baka naman ako na naman lang yun, ayoko nang mag-assume). Alam ko, mayroon pa akong sagot na talagang gustong sabihin sa kanya but I was all too consumed by pain, sadness, confusion, the fear and trauma of a past experience repeating and the worry-- enough that it failed me to find the words.

A familiar verse in the Bible said, You will grieve. But your grief will become joy. And as I try to do the best I could to live one day at a time, there are moments I'd silently wish what I'm going through is just a temporary phase. That God converts my grief to joy -- at siya pa rin ang maging dahilan ng kasiyahang yun, at hindi mauwi sa wala ang mga dasal at paghihintay ko.

Pero for now, I’m living one day at a time, using it to devote attention to things I’ve always planned and hoped to do but I almost neglected. Honestly, I still want to be a friend sa kanya. The kind of friend that I’ve been to this person. I still want to stay and be there for this person just like how I stayed even before this incident surfaced. Ayokong iwan siya dahil ang totoo, this person deserves to have genuine friends na dadamay sa kanya, makikinig at uunawa sa kung anumang bumabagabag sa loob niya at sa isip niya – yung totoong kaibigan at hindi nagpapanggap lang. At isa sa mga pinagdadasal ko ay ang sana bigyan kami ng turning point to restore what could still be restored; for Him to heal what is in my whole being that needs to be healed and rebuilt.

Healing takes time and parts of it will have to be a work in progress.


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