Zone of Solitude

The past week was filled with shocking events. Despite of having a long weekend, I suppose, it was destined to happen in order for me to know some things when I just wasn't expecting to hear them.

Monday was my schedule to visit Antipolo to see the MMLDC people and to file my SOA for the magazine. Of course, aside from seeing the office and the "hotties" there are these new things. Roanne the former OJT is the new member of the gang and there's the messy halls and rooms anticipating to move to a new location within the vicinity.

But what rocked my world was Rye's revelation upon my questioning of why May 9 was their non-working holiday. It turned out that the date was set aside as a despedida. What shocked me more was the next words that Rye said:

"Last day na ni A. Magreresign na dahil papasok sa seminaryo. Nakapasa siya sa exam. Out of the 40 participants, 11 lang silang nakapasa."

It made me feel indifferent all of a sudden; like something cold was poured over my body. The same way I felt three years ago when a friend told me that he's going to get married just happened again.

I'm not against his wish of going through a very good endeavor. It's just that the idea simply can't sink in to my head as of now. Maybe in a few days or so. To think that I have known him for quite a long time as my former professor and eventually my boss, I can't imagine seeing him as a priest. I'd feel like crying actually every time the thought gushes in my head.

Rye said A has a girlfriend and we're both wondering how he's going to break the news. For sure, it's also going to be shocking for the girl's part. I said to Rye, I should know.

I've been through that kind of scenario when my first boyfriend N told me of his plans to become a priest. It didn't hurt too much actually. Maybe because we were still young then -- we were both 12, we never cared about the world too much and I suppose because I have been affirmative of what he really wanted that was why it became too easy for me to let him go. Only to find myself accidentally meeting N again after not seeing each other for ten years -- with a college degree and not inside the seminary nor has he become a priest when all the while I have thought that he's still a seminarian.

A is now 32 and becoming a priest takes 7 years. I'm 23 now and maybe by then, 7 years after when I'm already 30, he will be the one to officiate my wedding or my child's baptism.

Now enough of this story. My goosebumps are starting to rise again.

Saturday weekend. The past week was full of jumbles, surprises and happy things. It was yesterday too when I realized the amateur photographer in me. Yipee! A new career. And as I was toying with my brother's Canon 300D camera and the past issues of T&D Highlights (the mag where I have been writing for two years) scattered over my bed, the though came into my head, why not give each one a solo shot--just like documenting my two-year "love affair" with the magazine.

So after one hour sweating out and struggling for the best angles, these are what came out of my first shot as an amateur. I know I'm not that good at it yet and I still need my brother's help in befriending his camera so I apologize for the not-so nice shots.

2006: STARTING ANEW WITHOUT THE RESIDUE

So this was the first issue when I debuted writing for them in 2006. Fresh from graduating in college and resigning from my job as an editorial assistant, I was invited by my former professor Sir Ariel Vidanes who was working for MMLDC Foundation Inc to write for their HR magazine and I welcomed the idea well. To the point that I have been too immersed in it for two years now. And for that first assignment, I wrote a sidebar article about online school operations. It was followed by the next issue which featured a fast-growing industry as well as the Corporate Social Responsibility theme in the 3rd issue. Sadly I needed to say bye-bye for the meantime to attend to other job-related matters. I wrote for 3 issues for that year.

2007: THE RESIDENT WRITER'S COMEBACK!

After some failed attempts in the BPO world, Sir Ariel asked if I want to be a project based-transcriptionist for one of their projects and again I said YES. And together with the transcribing job, I also asked if the idea to write for the mag is still welcomed to which he gave a positive reply. So in the first quarter of 2007, I started rolling my ideas in.

In line with the upcoming elections in May, the company released the issue on Responsible Citizenship. It's one of my favorite issues ever because...

I got to write a full-page book review about the books of author Bob Ong! It was the first time I got to consume a page of the magazine for my article and it was the sign that I was waiting. That this is going to continue! The start or big projects and making it big time! Weeks after the release of this issue, Sir Ariel handed me a faxed mail from a happy client who was asking for additional copies to be sent to his associates.

This was the third quarter issue of T & D Highlights which featured Smart Telecom's big boss Polly Nazareno on the cover. It was a familiar issue for the material used for Leadership Beakthroughs was actually his speech during the Management Workshop in MMLDC in April---the speech which was transcribed by me! Oh and another thing, I was assigned to write about the improvements in the Aviary too included in that issue. Funny thing, I was doing my ocular visit in the midst of a rainy day and I forgot my umbrella in the studio. Thank God, someone from the housekeeping came to the rescue and offered me her umbrella.

And this issue is my second favorite. Released just in time for Christmas, I was then given the chance too to work in MMLDC as a coordinator and it was such a blessing too. Aside from that I also got to close a deal with Sir Ariel looking out for someone in the media to answer one question and thank God for Mr. Nestor Cuartero of the Philippine Panorama who obliged to represent his colleagues from the media.

For one moment, the good memories are fleeting
Passing by like a bullet train
And here I am just plain trying
To be revived and go on living.

At one point I'd fall too deep
Into an almost never-ending sleep
And sometimes I'd wake up too high and fierce
But not that strong to be on my knees.

I'd try to live, and I try to feel
The same sweet fleeting moment and let time be still
But then I've got the time on the halt alone
Yet the feeling's not there all along.

And it's too hard to build the moments again
Even the same fleeting moment that they often claim
We exist together hoping to be the same pair
But it's too difficult to wake the same, old love affair.

In the midst of being so pissed off and out of my head over lots of things that were mostly annoying, I thought of writing these things while immersing on Norah Jones’ music playing on my CD ROM drive. Lessons that I simply read before and never though that could give me so much---that it even transformed me to who I am now. Things that what I thought before were just fine existing but now as I read it again and think of it find to be something that makes sense.

You may be disappointed to fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.

I am not a risk taker ever since. For when I do, I always anticipate what’s gonna happen next--- and it’s usually the awful aspect of the endeavor. And yes, it came to cost a lot especially possible opportunities. But as I came to give it a try, I never lost anything. Instead I gained something.

When faced with a decision, DECIDE. If caught with a choice, CHOOSE.

In everything, there are simply two sides; the good and bad; up and down; left or right; right and wrong. To everything there are just two choices that one has to make. I learned that in every circumstance, there are simply two choices---YES or NO. Either way could do harm or good, make you or break you.

Who you are today is the product of the choices and decisions you made from day to day.

If I decided not to push through with my degree, I won’t be the one that I am today. I could be someone else far different from the one creating and managing three websites and sharing thoughts over my online journals. But I decided to go on with it and follow the whims of my mind. And here I am, fulfilled and blissful with my chosen craft.

If you let one stupid crap ruin your life, then you are not the one I thought you were.

These classy words from Legally Blonde are really a great morale booster; sometimes opportunities and great decisions are hampered because of opinions from other people that could shake your decision. That I learned not to listen to every word they say for sometimes, even a friend’s advice could send uncertain signals to the universe. Or in another way, if I simply let other people bully me around, they’ll get used to that for they see me as someone who doesn’t have that courage to fight back. Yes I used to think that I am an underdog. But now I start to realize that I am not. For I am transforming myself to someone else that I should become fearless and confident (but not overconfident). I learned that sometimes I also need to step on their feet to know that I exist and that I can also fight back.

Courage isn’t having the strength to go on; it’s going on when you don’t have the strength.

In the midst of discerning over something, these words strucked me. I am no brave girl when it comes to confronting my feelings but then I had to settle the “what ifs” in my head and how will I conclude those “what ifs” if I’ll simply sit and look around. When I tried, I lost but when I let my courage steer me, I won my battle and it felt good.

I am a writer in a country where no one reads.

Yes. It’s so ironic that I am a writer but some are reluctant if not lazy to read or even care about things that exist but then, I have other thoughts that the world should know and I should share to other people. Regardless if they don’t or do want to hear it.

I am making sense to the world.

In my own little way, regardless of the circumstance or even if I walk like a penguin far different from normal people, I exist (and walk like a penguin) for a reason. I have a purpose that I need not question what because I knew it and I confidently work on it day by day. Forget the atribida-walang modong yaya, the bossy cousin, that daily traffic and people who has the tendency to misquote me. I know I have other things to care about; I am doing my best to fulfill my purpose and it’s far more important than other things.

MABUHAY!

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