Today is already November 4th by default. 4:07 pm as of this writing, less than 24 hours before my 24th birthday (which is tomorrow! Argh!!!)

Yet, though I wanted to take time off, I simply can’t — yet. I’m battling with my emails, working on emergency assignments again after leaving my email inbox unchecked for almost a week. But I can say I can breathe normally again now. I’ve made the assignments and turned it over to the managing ed.

I just hope things will work.

Okay, so I’ve been dreading tomorrow. I’ll be 24 and it scares the hell out of me. I actually start to feel that I’m getting older — inch by inch, day by day. And as I come close to a wish list that I made two years ago when I was 22, I looked at it to see if anything changed. The list actually contained shallow musings like:

But it also contained serious thoughts. And I never imagined I could write them at 22 and still be serious about it till now:

And as I ponder by these wishes, I went to think, most of them came to me early more importantly that dream of becoming a published writer before reaching 30. I was 21 when I first got into corporate writing but the thought of fulfilling the dream just dawned on me two years after. While dream number 2 of being written in a newspaper happened while I was in Baguio (getting my other utmost dream while competing) when I was 20.

Now, I realized, I set aside the dream of going to Disneyland which was formerly the first in my list. In exchange to serious wishes like a career, my writing as well as getting married to a wonderful man and having children. Things that I never thought I’ll take into consideration seriously for I was a marriage skeptic before; having fears on the what ifs which in time faded and disappeared eventually. And I’m happy I got to overcome my marriage-skepticism that at 23, I realized, I also have the right to get married and in my own way, be the best future wife-slash-mom the way that I wanted. I’ve always been the same person who longs for the simple and not elegant things. I only pray for the same stuff — safety and blessings for my family, continuous assignments for my writing career, a good career and a stable relationship with my beau.

For now, just like the nights before, I am praying for a nice surprise that God would give me for tomorrow’s big day.

Hi sweetheart. Christmas won’t be the same without you this year, but we will try to cope with the many memories of our 19 years spent with you. All I want for Christmas is to have you back with us, but knowing that is impossible I will settle for a letter to you: God will hopefully hand-deliver it in time for the holiday.

I missed having you being here to help me with my Christmas shopping. You always had a sense of what your mom liked. I managed okay, I think you were probably helping me. Your mom will love the gift you sent her from Heaven! Sarah too!Your mom has done a lot of baking this week; uncooked cake, date squares, etc. Surprised, eh!

Our traditional Christmas get-together will be at your Uncle Steve’s place this year. We don’t know how we will handle it, but will cross the bridge when we come to it.Sarah is doing okay, still dating Brian (which has really helped her). We know she misses you mostly at nights, when you two would do so much talking. She misses her big sister’s advice and odd spat.

I have to go to the cemetery tomorrow and shovel 3 ½ feet of snow, in case some of the family want to visit your grave site. We decorated the poles, hung a white and red bird and a few bells for you to hear when the wind blows. It really looks nice. We know Patrick misses you, and you him. Sorry I wasn’t more supportive of your relationship; that will bother me until I can apologize in person.

I’m sorry you never get to experience the Internet, Jenny. You would have loved it! I have met some wonderful people online, families that have also lost children. They have helped me tremendously in coping with your death. Most times, other than your mom, it has been my only release. Losing one’s child is the most pain a parent can experience, and being able to correspond with others in the same situation is surely a blessing. Jennifer, we will miss you always. We will never stop loving you or ever forget you.

Dad,

I did get to experience the Internet and you’re right – I love it. I don’t think it’s the same Net you are on though. I travel the universe – no downtime, flames, smears, nothing like that at all.

I am with you Christmas morning. Actually, I’m with you every morning. Haven’t you felt my presence? Heard my voice? Seen me in a thousand different places. I can do that for a while but eventually I will have to spend more and more of my time spreading around the things you taught me: love, caring giving, loyalty. I can’t say that I miss you because where I am there are no feelings that are sad. Honestly! Not ever! I do know when you think of me and I am happy. Did you know that I can view my whole life with you and Sarah and Mom in just a few seconds! Can you imagine?

I have so many other people here that are the greatest. Someday you’ll find out for yourself. Just remember this Daddy, I‘m never sad. I have a feeling that someday this great feeling will be even greater. That’s because you’ll be with me. Don’t be in a rush though. There are a lot of neat things that you can do down there that I can’t do up here, like, love Mom a lot.

Love, Jennifer.