In another life
I will be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world.
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
The one that got away.
***********
DISCLAIMER: The names mentioned in this particular entry have been changed to protect their privacy.
In the past few weeks being on quarantine, next to getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep, my days mostly revolve on things like indulging into a new hobby, religiously reading a book on entrepreneurship, taking care of my five-month-old niece, taking online lessons on foreign language and binge-watching on Korean dramas. But despite juggling my day amongst these things, I still have time communicating with friends.
Weeks ago, I had a chance to make a video call to my friend Liezl*. Long before this, we've been exchanging chat messages where she told me that there's something she'd like to tell me. She even referred to it as a "big reveal" but she never said a word about it. And all this time, I was thinking that she and her husband Harold* might be expecting an ECQ baby and that their daughter is going to be a big sister soon.
We were having the usual silly conversations when suddenly, Liezl brought up another subject-- Noah*. I haven't spoken to him for a couple of years and while I didn't want to hear anything about him, Liezl told me that she and Harold had a bonding session with Noah recently. But the words that she said next were something I never expected.
"Nakasama namin ni Harold si Noah recently at napag-usapan ka namin. Alam mo, inamin ni Noah sa amin that he considered (asking) you to be his girlfriend."
Apparently, it was the big reveal that Liezl was referring to previously.
What I heard left my brain numb for a few seconds. What I knew next was I was laughing hysterically while Liezl and I were having that video call. I honestly did not know how to react or even what to feel. And it took me weeks for my mind to really process what I heard.
That revelation brought shock to my braincells.
That revelation brought shock to my braincells.
You see, I used to have a crush on Noah back then. But despite those knowing looks and being asked countless times about what's the truth between Noah and me, I had to keep the feeling to myself for six years because I have hesitations that my feelings, should it become known to him, will just be unrequited. I kept my feelings that long because knowing him, from the fame of his career to the type of girls he's going to fall for, I felt I was someone who is totally out of his league.
Even if I knew I was starting to fall for him, I already had the worst-case scenario in my mind from the start. I've been through that painful string of rejections and unrequited feelings that I got traumatized and burned. So to protect myself, I just decided to be mum about what I was feeling. Pero dahil hindi ako magaling sa pagsasabi ng nararamdman kaya sa gestures at effort ko yon binabawi.
Now, maybe if you're reading this, surely you might want to ask what would be my answer if Noah decided to pursue me then. Would I say yes if he asked me then (to be his girlfriend)?
Honestly, I definitely would have said yes. For six years, next to the effort and the waiting, I also prayed for both wisdom and guidance about what I was feeling for Noah because despite of my hesitations (that can be dealt with), I also saw in him the qualities of the person that I was praying to God for.
Now, maybe if you're reading this, surely you might want to ask what would be my answer if Noah decided to pursue me then. Would I say yes if he asked me then (to be his girlfriend)?
Honestly, I definitely would have said yes. For six years, next to the effort and the waiting, I also prayed for both wisdom and guidance about what I was feeling for Noah because despite of my hesitations (that can be dealt with), I also saw in him the qualities of the person that I was praying to God for.
But I reached the point when I already felt uncertain, confused, and exhausted. I just knew I had to leave and let go because my spirit and self-esteem is slowly being jeopardized by the uncertainty. I knew I just had to do something or else the pain inflicted by something unrequited will shatter me again-- at pagod na pagod na ako sa ganong eksena.
Call it unusual but from the night I heard of Liezl's big reveal up to now, I would find myself humming the line's of one of Katy Perry's songs at 2:30 am. It may seem odd, but it brought me relief. Yes, I could say that for a moment, I felt flattered that the guy I once had a crush on thought of considering me to be "that girl". While I didn't know where it hit me exactly, I can't say that I feel regret on my part after knowing Liezl's belated revelation either. After all, it's been two years since I decided to run away from any memory I have of Noah. I will just have to leave it to that "another life" to grant me that "happy conclusion" if there really is one (think, the Grim Reaper and Kim Sun (from that Korean drama Goblin) reuniting in their fourth life-- though of course, that's something fictional).
But right now, I am happy with where and what I am and the people I'm with. And I'd like to keep it that way.
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