Maybe, I was just that bored too because I also didn’t have any design in mind when I began my work. It was even a simple design. Too ordinary, unlike the ones done by those who are really passionate about visual arts. When I finished the thing after three days, I must admit feeling a bit dissatisfied because I forgot the element of balance in my own work (I missed the rule that there has to be an equal mix of dark and light colors!). But then, while I was reading through my bucket list and reached item 74, I realized, I was able to finish one artwork. Which makes it the fruition of this particular thing on my “to do” list.

While my work may not be as avant-garde as the ones made by renowned artists, the words of my friend Beth echo in my brain: Art is art. You can call it yours. I thought it’s fine if visual art isn’t in love with me. I found love in another form of art which is literature and creative writing anyway. We’re head over heels in love with each other and I'm so much fine (and still happy) with that.   

(Photo: Unsplash.com)

Now, there are two questions I want to ask you. Kamusta ka? Kaya pa ba?

As I type this down, a part of me thinks of the idea of congratulating myself because I was able to stay afloat and still (mentally) stable in this admittedly crazy situation for that long. Let’s all admit it, to be advised to stay home for a day is just pretty normal (though it could be inconvenient at times too), but to be told such rule for more than a year can be somewhat insane.  

To live like a hermit for a year and miss the totally different kind of life from the previous years can somewhat be stressful. It took me a year into this lockdown before things started to sink-in. I remember telling my mom a month ago that it is now when I am already starting to feel anxious, worried and exhausted at times. This kind of lockdown lifestyle was very far from the “on the go” type of life that I was so used to before pandemic shot things down to the ground.

And I guess that admission of my fear, and being vocal about my feelings related to this ongoing struggle somehow helped ease things up. While I was browsing the Messenger app on my phone, I came across the discovery that I was in touch with just one person within the past year just as the lockdown was announced. Going through our lengthy conversations, part of me was in disbelief-- because we were able to literally be in constant communication while the chaos brought by COVID19 was trying to inflict damage to the world. For more than a year.

In Episode 2 of the Youtube Channel Brgy. AAssumtion, it tackled the possibilities that may be brought by the “new normal” including measures we that we might all be doing in order to protect ourselves and those around us. That while there is a chance that we will no longer be able to return to the old normal, it stressed that isolation should not be the new way of life in the new normal because this is not the essence and definition of what communities and families really are.

The relatable part of the episode came when it mentioned the importance of reaching out. How a simple text, chat or phone call to ask “how are you?” can mean a lot to someone who might be needing it.  You see, as of this writing, I have two friends trying to conquer this COVID-19 struggle. One tested positive and is spending his treatment and recovery period alone in a hospital room, and the other one, while blessed to be spared from the physical malady, is isolated in her own bedroom away from some of the members of her family. And since this health crisis prohibits visiting them and being with them physically, my days now included daily chat messages of “how are you?” and “how are you feeling?” alongside a host of different stories. It made me realize that despite this tough time, we are still lucky to be provided with different and modern means to still let our presence felt by someone who needs our company, and this is the appropriate time to really utilize that. 

Just like actions, words have the power to heal as well. Next to providing some level of comfort and emotional support to friends dealing a difficult situation, the conversations I had with three particular friends also eased the worry and anxiety that I am occasionally feeling. Those chats enabled me to realize a few of my plans (and in a way, get to act on some of them), trade thoughts with them about life and future plans, and even talk about a few crazy things that made me teary-eyed in laughter. That while reaching out may be a usual gesture, it seemed to be a win-win situation as I am able to alleviate their loneliness and they on the other hand, get to let me use God’s gift of imagination in just the right proportion by keeping my worrywart side from consuming me and bothering me too much.

We all have our coping mechanisms in fighting this struggle may it be time, talent or even words. We just need to find what works best for us, utilize it and maintain it. Yes, a pandemic like COVID19 sure is scary. But we must also realize that this should not stop and shut us entirely from people around us just because of (useless) fear. That unless you’re a hermit crab, you still need to interact with those around you (but be sure to be mindful of the safety measures, okay?). You’re human after all. And interaction is a big part of human existence. If you believe hearing your voice works wonders to your favorite plant or pet, imagine what kind of wonder it can do with a person who’s longing to hear from you.  

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Since being diagnosed with glaucoma 12 years ago, I've been so used to making twice-a-year advance appointments with my current doctor. Yesterday was my first appointment for this year, and technically the second one during the challenging time of a pandemic.

Compared to the neurological condition that I acquired some 25 years ago, glaucoma is an ailment that is not visible from the outside. But routine consults with a specialist is a must since its signs and symptoms can lead to irreversible repercussions if neglected. I can't frankly say my being a wide-reader was put to good use on this particular scenario, because when I first heard the diagnosis when I was 24, I won't hide the truth that it scared the shit out of me. My mom knew how loud and hard I cried because I already knew what kind of "inevitable result" is in store for me because of this disease. 

At first, there was denial since the disease mostly affects the geriatric population (as in those above the age of 60!) and I was way far from hitting that age. And as if that was enough, I was told all the other ugly truths: the disease cannot be cured, it can only be managed and controlled to delay the prognosis and try to prevent the inevitable effect from happening this early. Hearing the fact that the disease is manageable allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief, at least. But the next words from my doctor were enough to burst my relieved bubble in an instant:

"That would mean you will need to be on lifetime maintenance medication."

And so the whole shitty scenario began. Aside from an illness that seemed to have arrived at a very unreasonable time, I was also battling some personal and career-related issues. But I was definite at one thing: to save whatever is left of one of my five senses for as long as I could. 

After being with three different doctors and being prescribed three different medications, I crossed paths with my current doctor in 2013. I guess deciding to find another doctor was one of the wisest decisions I made that year. During my first consultation with Dr. Norman Aquino seven years ago, he was able to shed some light on my condition, and was able to clearly explain the disease that I am battling. From its causes, as well as the treatment available, and how my condition can be managed. He further assured me that with proper management and medication, I need not cry that hard like the first time out of fear from the ailment's inevitable effect -- that one of my five senses will cease to exist.

"As long as you are taking your medication regularly, malabong mangyari ang kinakatakot mo." were his exact words. And during yesterday's appointment, Dr. Aquino explained that these measures that we are doing are to make sure that the disease is managed and controlled in a way that it will be far from progressing rapidly. He further told me, "36 ka pa lang. You still have a life ahead of you. I want you to have that quality of life well until your 80's."

I know not all doctors can be like that. And to encounter a specialist like him somehow put a few of my worries to rest. But there was another question that I've always wondered about. Given that the disease will be something that I have to live with for a lifetime, I want to know if it will affect my future plans. You see, I still have a lot of items left unticked on my bucket list. It was a question I asked my previous doctor five years ago to which I received an expectedly heart-crushing reply. The night before my appointment, the said question got rehashed in my head. But it also got me thinking, "We tend to get a second (even third) opinion from doctors about diseases, right?" Next to wanting some peace of mind, I thought I guess it won't hurt if I ask my doctor for his two cents worth whether my condition (and our current approach to the situation) can have unfavorable effects on my other plans. 

Despite mustering the courage, I was already expecting a "part two" of the previous scenario. But I want to say that yesterday's appointment is among those that's one for the books. Next to hearing a favorable response, Dr. Aquino also advised me of measures that I will possibly need to do should I decide to pursue those items on my list. Unlike the previous scene when I was just told "no, that is not possible" and was not even provided with further explanations as to why -- or if there can be options that can somehow make things a bit attainable.

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It has been more than a year since this COVID-19 pandemic turned everyone’s life around. If you are a reader who happens to be from the Philippines, you are surely well-aware that we have been dealing with this lockdown situation for 394 days. 

A year and 29 days of living an unexpectedly overturned life.

Despite trying to adjust to the situation and embrace the so-called “new normal” routine, I will not hide it, I do miss a few things from my old life. This year would have marked as my 109th month in my career as a legal administrative assistant if the pandemic and lockdown did not happen. And yes, there would be times when such longing would hit me -- hard. Especially whenever I would come across those Facebook “On This Day” photos from years back, or even current photos of former colleagues in places we often frequent would appear on Instagram.

It has been a “sa throwback na lang muna ang lahat” kind of life for more than a year now. And while I have somehow adapted to a rather different life because of the pandemic, I admit that there are times when I still long for this:

The Routines- I must say that the lockdown changed some of my routines, but there also are some that remained the same. For one, I miss those early-morning arrivals at work. Being the team’s early bird at times earned me the silly title of “Diwatang Ilaw” (or the Light Fairy), coined by our accountant, Lyn simply because switching the lights on is my first order of business when I arrive every morning. Another thing that I miss from my old life was this habit of consuming iced coffee every morning (and that’s despite the 18-degree temperature inside the office) which drives one of my officemates worried. But the longing part though is just partial, since I still embraced that iced coffee habit despite being locked at home the past year.

People- Given that I have worked in different offices and accomplished a number of different job titles in the last 14 years, I’ve also come across people with different types of personalities. Some of them I was able to build a positive rapport with, but there are also some that ended up the other way around. But for the last 8 years, this bunch was among the ones that I consider to be a group that I enjoyed being with. My former team in the firm was a group where you can find a good mix of interesting personalities. From a hands-on boss (who acts like everyone’s father at times),  a comedian, a cat dad, a math whiz who, despite being tone-deaf, says with conviction that she’s a songbird, to a living, breathing version of  the character Miss Minchin  from the book “A Little Princess”, my former workmates and our day-to-day antics and misadventures were among those that somehow “saved” my sanity especially on days when workdays tend to be at its harshest. 

The Shindig. Next to having found a job that allowed me to work in a location I highly preferred and with an ideal work schedule, the opportunity to be part of a group with creative minds was one of the things that I am grateful for. While the last eight years I spent with this team was not all about sunny days, their creativity in coming up and conceptualizing fun activities to compensate the busy and sometimes difficult schedules made my work days a thing worth reminiscing especially in this tough period. That despite going through this difficult time, I have something to look back to and say "we were this happy once" -- and there is a chance that we will, in time, get to be this exuberant again. 

My former boss once sent me an email with a subject that's so appropriate with today's situation: Brand new year, same old shit. And while I have a few things from my old life that I still yearn for, I am still hopeful that one day will come and things, while may not be the same anymore, will come out better that what and how it once was.