Zone of Solitude

Lee Seon-joo, a supporting character from one of my favorite Korean dramas entitled Her Private Life said in one episode that art is the product of desire. And while I admit that arts (especially visual ones) aren't my cup of tea, I just found myself unexpectedly giving it a shot recently.

I started using bullet planners at the height of the pandemic in 2020 because I just wanted to try it for a change. But for someone who has always been a user of ruled daily planners, shifting to bullet journals entailed a lot of challenges especially for a neophyte like me. I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to writing along straight lines and wide spaces; something which became hard for me to do at first given that next to dates, the pages of a bullet journal (or bujo, as others call it) has nothing else but dots.

It took a few tries and maybe a few months for me to get used to it. And aside from learning how to use a bulleted system of planning my day-to-day agenda, another thing that fascinated me with bujos are in those monthly spreads. The pages of a bullet journal tend to become boring especially for those who have never tried using one. I've always been intrigued about how my friend, Beth G., who is a bullet journaling enthusiast, creates her monthly spreads, which she either writes on her blog or posts on her Instagram account. The past few months, I've been spending minutes of my day watching Instagram reels on creating and designing bujo page spreads. And despite the lack of skill in the arts and design department, I ended up giving it a shot.

For someone with limited skill in arts, creating one can be a bit daunting. But just like what I read in one online article, a bujo doesn't need to look too artrsy, or else it will deplete its real purpose. In the case of my bullet journal, while I also have the habit of designing some of its pages, I still keep it to a minimum. Most of its pages are adorned by die cut stickers which I bought from either online sellers or the ones I found at bookstores, and recently from Mr. DIY located in SM Center Angono.

Beth was right when she said that customizing a blank page of a bullet journal can be mentally satisfying. But at the same time, I maintain its purpose when I bought it at the beginning of the year; that its to help me unwind and clear my mind by writing anything and everything in it -- from my daily tasks, errands to what I think of about what's happening around me.

In the end, I may be a bit lacking with skills to prettify my bullet journal, but then, the contents and notes written in every page still represents the writer, and lover of words that I truly am.

It's the last day of March. As I flip through the pages of my bullet journal this afternoon, I'm asking subconsciously how swift could time go? We were just starting to plan our year weeks back, and now, it's the end of the first quarter of 2022.

How had you been in the last three months?

While I was looking forward to welcoming the new year with a bang, the Universe gave us a surprising version of it. While the ordeal that we went through at the beginning of the year scared the hell out of us, it proved to be something that came with purpose. For together with the struggles and fears associated with COVID-19 were significant realizations that I never thought I would ponder on for the longest time.

I also decided to revive my love for reading after putting in on hold for months. Since the beginning of the year, I took advantage of the convenience of online shopping (plus the free shipping, and discounts), buying books on different topics and genres and spending a good amount of time daily immersing in its pages. Next to occasionally taking time off from social media, reading is an activity that never failed to give my mind the kind of healing it deserves.

The first three months of 2022 was filled with plot twists. I was able to spend a good amount of time making new friends, and catching up with long-time ones. Just weeks after Valentine's Day, I found myself going on an unplanned road trip around Rizal, and the nearby province of Laguna. The experience proved to be liberating. Indeed, one really has to go somewhere that she's never been. For the discoveries we get from the experience contributes something to enrich our being.

But the first 90 days was not all pure sunshine. There were also days filled with things that gave me a rollercoaster of emotions. I won't hide it. There were days filled with worry, tears, disappointment, and even anger. I just chose to accept the fact that there are situations I really have no control of, either I'll have to live with it, ignore it, or do something to somehow change it. Careerwise, I received numerous rejections. But then, I just chose to shrug my shoulders on those rather than questioning what is missing or why can't I fit in.

Tomorrow, another month begins as it marks the second quarter of the year. I am about to begin with new endeavors too. And while I am not sure as to what will happen next, I guess I'll just try to walk by faith. Regardless if it's make or break, I know I won't be left with nothing in whatever undertaking or adventure that I'll try to pursue.

A few weeks ago, I browsed through my posts in this blog, and after reading the first entry I wrote and published from 2008, I realized, I have been keeping this blog and writing my thoughts for 14 years.

It was not Blogger that served as my original platform. I was introduced to blogging through Friendster in 2005, and I must say that during that time, I just wanted to try it, and have an idea of what the hype back then was about. When Friendster was at the brink of losing its popularity, I started looking for another platform, and found Blogger in February 2008.

I still have my entries from my old Friendster blog from 2005 which I salvaged and transferred manually in Blogger and set to private mode. Those were stories related to my life after I graduated from college, first job blues, a few unpublished literary work, and my thoughts about my first relationship and what I felt when that boyfriend (now an ex) and I broke up years later.

Now back to this blog, the real purpose of this blog was just to be a place to share my discoveries, and as a way for me to continue to practice and improve my writing skills. My blog may be that old, but I only did three design revamps, two of which were generic designs available on the platform, while this recent design was created with the recommendation and help of my techie author-friend, Beth G.

While this was a space to spill out my thoughts and ideas about a lot of things, to gain readership wasn't really one of my aims when I started blogging. But in the years that I was writing and publishing posts about various topics, I also had the chance to virtually interact with some readers who happen to find my blog by accident. Some of them even became my friends which I get to bond with every now and then when our schedules permit. And it's something I consider to be a bonus.

14 years and more than 600 stories. I am aware that I don't post entries often these days compared to the time I was starting in 2008. But that's because I am also busy discovering new things when I am offline and away from my keyboard. I can attest to writing as a therapeutic activity, but since I decided to maintain this as a "lifestyle blog", I made a separate blog that housed the emotions and words that the introvert nerd that I am couldn't openly express or communicate to people. That's because I would like to maintain the purpose of this space as its title suggests.

To make this a place where I can find some peace and quiet that can somehow tone down the noise of a chaotic world.

image source

Despite my penchant for Korean TV shows and programs, zombie-themed series aren't really my thing. I haven't even watched Train to Busan, so it came as a surprise how I got into watching the recent Netflix hit, All of Us Are Dead. If you haven't seen it and have plans of doing so, I highly suggest that you stop reading from here, or else you won't get much of the adrenaline rush which is best felt by watching the show.

High school feels and some...zombies!

Okay, so that subheading gives it away ( a bit!). Just like my previously-loved shows, Crash Landing on You and Hospital Playlist, All of Us Are Dead is also a Netflix original series. The story revolves around a group of students from the fictional Hyosan High School, and how their normal lives become deranged when a seemingly harmless bite from a specimen in their school's science lab creates chaos on campus because each individual transforms into creepy Halloween creatures! While I am a neophyte viewer of the zombie-apocalypse horror genre, I cannot say that watching (and even finishing the whole 12 episodes in 3 days) events unfold with blood, gore, and heart-racing scenes from this show was bad at all. One of my friends told me that variety is the spice of life. If this could be considered a form of putting variety in my usual Kdrama viewing habit, I must say that for once, my decision to give it a try was worth it.

Survival skills, strategies, and sacrifices

I will not sugarcoat it. This show left my heart exhausted; because like the characters, I also felt like I was among those running for precious life from start to finish. Those scenes involving zombies are intense; they always kept me at the edge of my seat. On the other hand, as the plot suggests, given that it involves the element of high school student life, what made the show interesting in a way, was how lessons taught in school were utilized in the group's strategy for survival. So, yes guys, I highly advise you not to ignore what you learned from your teachers in physics, chemistry, and even PE! Trust me, they can help you survive when you get attacked by a zombie (and if you do, you'll get to thank your teachers later!)

But the show is not all blood, gore, and horror. The creators also included scenes that tackle the importance of making your time and existence count, and the unconditional love of parents -- scenes that can melt the hearts of viewers.

All of Us Are Dead is reportedly due for a second season. There are some cliffhanging questions from season 1 that were left in my head so if you were to ask me if I will give it another shot, well, probably. But for now, I will give my brain and my heart the rest and recovery time it deserves. After all, it's not easy watching and feeling as if I am also chased by those flesh-eating monsters too.

During our last coffee bonding session last December, my friend Beth G. asked for the gifts that I, and my other friend, Kim would like for Christmas. At that moment, Beth had mentioned that the book Every Moment Was You would be available in the Philippines. Blame it on being a bibliophile, and a Kdrama fan, I did not hesitate anymore and told her that the said book is what's on my wishlist.

Written by Tae-wan Ha, Every Moment Was You contains essays and poems on the subject of love and its seasons. The prose and essays were divided based on different stages, from the process of waiting and looking for it, finding love, falling out, and moving forward. Originally penned in Korean, it was translated to English by Ma. Kristina Carla Rico and Kyung Min-bae.

photo from Twitter

If you are a fan of Korean dramas, the book surely is a familiar sight as it appeared on some episodes of the rom-com drama What's Wrong With Secretary Kim? And since Beth considers me as someone with the (career) resemblance to Park Min Young's character as Kim Mi-so, I believe that this book is an essential item in my reading list.

While this was something Beth originally planned to hand me for Christmas, I had to wait for a month to get hold of this book. This was after the COVID restrictions were heightened due to the rise of infections after the holidays, which made us decide to postpone the meetup temporarily. But it was still worth the wait. I received the gift when we met for coffee during Chinese New Year, February 1. While it may be long-overdue for Christmas, the book is still appropriate just in time for Valentine's Day.

When I asked Beth for her feedback about the book (having read it first), she said it was like reading unsent letters and speaking to your TOTGA (the one that got away) given that its theme is about love and its stages. But as I immersed into its pages, more than just the imaginary conversations with a lover, and reminiscing about one's own romantic relationships, this literary work provided comforting words for those who are dealing with your their personal circumstances. Reading some of the essays and poems, there are pieces that spoke words of advice. It's as if I am speaking to a friend and asking her two cents worth, and nuggets of wisdom as I try to navigate through a different point of my life, if not questioning a lot of things and decisions related to it.

More than just the eye-candy pastel book cover, I would recommend this if you are looking for a relaxing book to read as part of your nighttime ritual.

Every Moment Was You is published in the Philippines by Adarna House, Inc. and is available on Lazada and Shopee.

I have been MIA for almost a month. This was what I realized as soon as I logged in to write this entry. Well, it's due to several reasons, one of which will be told in this (lengthy) post.

At the beginning of the year, next to the hashtags Claiming It, and Law of Attraction, another word that I kept hearing and seeing is "plot twist". Those words seem positive, encouraging even. But in our family's case, I never thought that plot twist will come to us in an unexpected form.

When my brother fell sick just a few days after New Year's Day, we thought it was just the usual cold and flu linked to the "ber" months. COVID-19 was something we didn't consider at first especially when my brother started feeling better two days later after isolating himself within the premises of their unit.

Despite showing signs of improvement, his friend (a doctor who happens to be one of my former schoolmates) advised him to get tested just to be sure. He could have just declined it, however, as he was starting to feel better, it was his wife's turn to start having low-grade fever, cough, and colds. Their two kids followed with the same symptoms.

Just five days into the new year, we received the news that transpired our fears to reality. Upon receiving his results, my brother revealed to me and my mom over video call that he tested positive for COVID-19.

We were quick to decide in taking their two-year-old daughter while they went into quarantine because aside from the infant, only my mom and I were on the safe side and weren't showing symptoms. In an instant, there was just confusion, worry, and fear running altogether inside my head. Having experienced the same emotions months ago when my last surviving uncle contracted and eventually succumbed to complications due to COVID-19, it was rehashed by the reality that while three of us were spared, the unseen enemy just victimized four people living next door.

I cannot say that the now-shortened quarantine period was a good thing either. I may have been able to maintain a bit of my candid side, joking once in a while that we seem to be an OFW family with all the every hour video calls, but dealing with COVID-19 inflicted me with a certain level of psychological stress. To some, ten days were just that. But to me, it was one of the longest ten days of my life as an adult. For within those 10 days, I was battling the fear of what might happen next -- the fear that my mom and I will be the next to get infected.

But I guess Divine Providence knew things best. That we will stay symptom-free because there was another tiny human being we have to look after, and a family right next door who will be calling to us for help in attending to their needs while they recuperate.

This ordeal allowed me to experience how long and weird 10 days in isolation was like. We would not see each other during that period. Essential items will be left by their doorstep, and the only way for them to know it's there is either through a knock on the door, or when we say so via video call. I rarely order food online, but I did so out of whim during their second day in quarantine just to relieve the boredom felt by the kids. While I feel grateful to the delivery guy of our favorite fast-food chain for his effort (and for giving me my first calendar for 2022), I can't help but feel apologetic too because given the situation, and despite that I was okay, I couldn't even stay outside for long.

But a struggle doesn't come without a discovery. This ordeal might be difficult but it just validated the truth that quality time and acts of service are indeed my love languages. Blame it on the fact that age made me appreciate chores like grocery shopping and feel delighted doing so, but I also realized doing something like running errands for someone else left me feeling fulfilled and happy (aside from having the idea that I can probably start a personal grocery shopper business!)

I was able to watch what life was like from the eyes of a child. In the ten days that I spent with my niece, I got to know what "childlike faith" truly was. Despite this difficult situation, you can still relax and chill because eventually, things will be all right. It was also a blessing that family and friends were there, and served as my support system when I first told them the news. Having someone available for a quick chat just when I needed someone to either vent out something or just to ward off the negative thoughts in my head. And having friends in the medical profession likewise helped us significantly in dealing with and managing the situation within the confines of home.

It may have been a difficult ten days but we were able to get through it. Everything at home is now back from how it was then, and my brother and his family recovered well with the help of family, friends, and by God's grace. While this is one of the frightening periods I've experienced, I decided to leave a space for that here because I know that eventually, when things start to improve again for the better, I will come across this post. This will serve as a reminder of that one difficult point, and that I was able to hurdle past it.

In 19 hours, another year is about to come to a close. How could time fly ever so swiftly? I was not keen about writing this post because things appear to be the same, at least with how I see it. Last year placed everyone in an unexpected turmoil with lives and the whole world itself upside down. While 2021 showed some changes, some things sadly remain the same.

Earlier this afternoon, I sat inside a coffee shop. Next to the coffee and the acoustic rendition of Disney songs playing, I guess it helped that I was the lone customer inside the place. It gave me a chance to think and review what this year became -- and what good did it give me despite the reality that it still is a bit stagnant in some way.

2021 showed me the reality of grieving in the new normal when I experienced loss with the death of my only surviving uncle due to COVID-19. This health crisis changed what grief and grieving are like, for it had a different definition and observance. I've always hoped that our family will be spared and won't contribute a single casualty, only to know that that won't be the case. And having gone through such a period when grief and the process were not the norms everyone was used to, I only hoped that we and everyone else wouldn't go through such a phase. And if there is one thing I am always thankful for among other things, it is the miracle that both my mom and I are able to live one day at a time, and are still well and healthy enough to carry on with our day-to-day lives and activities (but of course with caution).

But on the other hand, even if I had to go through a period of grapple, and just when I thought my 2021 planner contained nothing but a list of errands, seeing what I wrote on the pages made me realize that there still were things to be grateful. This year was the time when I witnessed milestones happen at home. I was also surprised with revelations that I never thought would still leave me with that feeling of kilig even if it took me years to confirm it.

At one point, the situation loosened up, which allowed me to visit places I longed to go and meet the people that I missed terribly the past year. Becoming vaccinated last August after months of waiting showed some hope that we'll surely reach the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

Despite being vocal about my worries and fears on how "stagnant" my life appeared to be this year, I am still grateful for friends, who despite having their struggles, were still by my side and were supportive enough to push me to proceed with dreams and plans that were long overdue. While I worried over how static my life seemed and having an unproductive year, they assured me that just like my dreams, my fears and feelings are all valid, and I am not the only one going through it. Maybe, the Heavens also allowed this particular pause in my life to happen to give way to a meaningful possibility and fulfill one of my heart's desires and also for me to be able to devote time to it. I may not have accomplished much this year career-wise, but seeing how one of my "biggest" dreams brought to fruition during a tough time still left me fulfilled emotionally.

I may only have less than a day before turning another page, but this year proved to be one thing: A lot of my hopes, dreams, and prayers can still be possible even if my life is on pause for an undisclosed reason. While I still do not know what 2022 has in store, I want to remain hopeful. Hopeful that just like how I imagined things when I completed my project this year, some things will improve and become better. That, I will also get to receive the wonderful and meaningful surprises that haven't arrived yet this year, and maybe it also includes some happy plot twists that I have been asking God for.