Another Round of Disappearance

As of this writing, I decided to go into another round of indefinite hiatus from social media. I simply wanted to breathe given that my mind and my whole system has had a lot to take in the past few months. Career wise, despite that I'm doing well at work, it appears a little bit different outside of it.

 I am trying to stay afloat despite of the situation that my family is having for the past few months. Going through an ordeal the same as ours when you can't do anything is hard. People continue to encourage and tell me to stay strong. I try to, as much as I can, but still, there would be times every now and then that I would just crumble, weep and just break down.

And it's something that I don't show people.

Then there is this other thing that I don't know what to call and how to address either. I decided to deactivate my Facebook account in the hope of clearing out my mind and to stay away from someone -- at least until I feel okay. I know I have been used to helping and assisting people. After all, it has been part of my job as a paralegal to do so. But then, there is this one incident that is causing me to have doubts and uncertainties about being helpful.

I know that it's normal to be asked by someone for help on some things. However, being asked for the same thing habitually is a different story.

And lately, I noticed that I've been doing more of the latter. At first, I felt okay with it. After all, I do know the person who's asking for help and I thought it's necessary to render some aid. However, for quite sometime, I just had this feeling that something doesn't seem to be right with the situation anymore. It came to a point that I am starting to doubt the person 's real motive as to why I kept being tapped to do some things which could be delegated to someone else. Someone who is more available and has the liberty of time to do it. At one point I would be surprised to be delegated with a particular task that I didn't even approve or said yes to. I tried to ask why this person kept on doing so and despite being provided with answers, those to me were not convincing enough.

And for the past few weeks, I started to feel uncertain about helping someone and if there's really a necessity for me to do it. Aaminin ko, na sa ngayon nasa point ako na merong tanong sa utak ko kung normal pa ba ang ginagawa niya o kung nagte-take advantage na ba siya sa kakayahan ko at sa mga bagay na kaya kong gawin.

I feel so shortchanged and to be honest, I am no longer happy about what this person is  doing and how I am being treated. I feel both sad and annoyed because I feel compelled to help and respond to this person's demands; and the things that I am being asked to do is not even part of my job and what I do for a living. I even reached the point that I was looking out and Googling for telltale signs that say that I am being taken advantage of. 

Yes, one of the reasons for me to provide help was out of friendship and because I love this person. As stupid and shitty as this may sound but in my line of work, I have been so used to people wanting to know where they (legally) stand and yet, here I am trying to find out where I emotionally stand in the life of someone else.

Mabuti pa ang trabaho ko, it has given me an identity that's legit and definite. Whereas sa taong ito, my existence is absolutely vague. Para akong tanga dahil sa trabaho ko, nakakasagot ako sa tanong ng ibang tao tungkol sa legal na katayuan nila pero ako mismo, hindi ko alam kung saan at anong estado o lugar ko sa buhay ng ibang tao. At sa puntong ito, naiinis ako at the same time nawawalan ng gana.

 Walang kwenta na ang salitang "pagkakaibigan" kung nahahaluan na 'to ng gamitan. Funny but this person once shouted out in a Facebook status na hindi siya user; but looking at the situation this person placed me in, it is very far from what was once blurted out on social media.

Ang totoo, sa kabila ng pananahimik, pikon na pikon na ako. I am at the verge na kung magkakausap man kami ulit, at hingan na naman niya ako ng pabor, magtatanong na ako -- or worst, suggest to this person to make me his girlfriend kung gusto niyang maging available ako sa bawat pabor na hihingin nya. Because I deserve to ask just so this person will know that I don't like and don't deserve to be just someone's educated slave na uutus-utusan at hihingan niya ng pabor ng wala ni isang klarong posisyon kung ano ako talaga sa kanya because I don't believe someone does that to a person and excessively at that-- kahit pa kaibigan o ka-close niya ang taong yun .

Dahil hindi niya ako tauhan at may sarili akong buhay na kailangang intindihin. I am trying to stay afloat in spite of juggling my work, the personal concerns and that of this person's kahit minsan gusto ko nang pabayaan ang sarili kong malunod, But then I can't try to just be in an "afloat" state forever. Nakakapagod na rin na sinusubukan ko to survive habang ang isang ito ay napakamanhid sa pinagdadaanan ng taong pirmi niyang inaasahan ng bagay na para lang naman sa ikabubuti at ikagiginhawa niya.

Thus I decided to slowly and quietly stay away. I decided to deactivate my social media account and delete this person's missed, received calls and messages as well as contact details on my phone.

Ayokong nasasanay siya na palaging available ako at dumating ang punto na nasasanay na akong wala na halos matitirang para naman sa sarili ko. 

 I've decided that If I can't have a definite identity on this person, I don't think this person deserves to be included in my priority list either. 

And I don't intend to take this person's phonecalls for help or questions anymore from this point forward. right now, I just want to be in peace. mope, weep, do the things I've neglected because I devoted time to people's unnecessary and unreasonable whims.  I am not getting any younger and I have given a good 11 years of my life only to be put to waste and disregarded by two people -- an ex and now, this person. I guess those 11 years should suffice. I can't tolerate another round of such kind of shit anymore -- not even a recurrence of it.   

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