I am currently on vacation leave as of his writing and I just realized that I have not written anything since last month .And during that month-long hiatus from blogging, a lot of things has happened. Unfortunately, most of those are sad ones. From arriving at an unconscious decision to end a "friendship" with someone that is already making me uneasy to a sad blow that had to be endured by my family.
After almost two years of battling cancer, Papa died a week before Christmas. His death caused me to go on leave earlier than expected. And to be honest, this could be the saddest December that will be etched in me for a lifetime. While I am trying to console myself, I will not hide the fact that there are times that I would be sad. His demise now is being felt
Nakakalungkot pala talaga makita yung katawan niya na inilalabas ng bahay for the last time when for 23 years residing in our house, alam ko na andito lang siya araw-araw. Nakakalungkot isipin na yung dating araw-araw mong kasama for the last 34 years ng buhay mo biglang sa ibang lugar na ngayon nakatira at hinding-hindi ko na makikita dito na umuwi kahit kailan. Nakakalungkot na after 34 years of being together, at the age of 66, biyuda na ang Mama ko.
Nung araw na umuwi kami pagkalibing kay Papa, na-experience ko yung isang bagay na minsang sinabi ko sa isang kakilala na ayaw na ayaw kong maranasan-- yung bahay na sobrang tahimik; katahimikang nakakasira ng bait. I remember telling Bren na nung unang gabi pagkalibing kay Papa, gusto kong magwala out of pain, loneliness and grief. For months since taking care of Papa, nung Sunday night ko nakitang tulug na tulog si Mama. Gusto kong isipin na next to exhaustion, nakatulog si Mama sa lungkot. For years si Papa ang lagi niyang katabi tapos ngayon wala na si Papa.
Naninibago ako and part of me is in a state of denial. Minsan biglang susulpot yung moment na nagtatanong ako sa sarili ko kung wala na ba talaga si Papa. Hindi ko maisip na at 34, sa pagkawala ni Papa, wala na rin ang kalahati ng pagkatao ko. Pakiramdam ko, ang bata ko pa para iwan nya ako at kaming pamilya.
I remember telling someone months before, this is the sad part about being an adult. You mature on a number of things but then you will realize that people you know and those who are close to you start leaving -- isa isa silang umaalis at hindi na babalik.
Then there would be times I would just weep, telling God "ang daya mo.". I would have these questions in my head as to why cancer bothered my family, and why of all people that could get it, it was Papa.
Minsan tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung ano ba yung mas okay, yung ma-experience mo na mamatayan at a young age when you don't have a clearer understanding of death (pero hindi mo rin masyadong maaalala ang mahal mo sa buhay) or yung mamatayan ka nang nasa tamang isip at aware na sa realidad ng kamatayan at lahat ng nangyayari before that pero habang buhay mong maaalala yung taong nawala sa 'yo.
I remember telling someone months before, this is the sad part about being an adult. You mature on a number of things but then you will realize that people you know and those who are close to you start leaving -- isa isa silang umaalis at hindi na babalik.
Then there would be times I would just weep, telling God "ang daya mo.". I would have these questions in my head as to why cancer bothered my family, and why of all people that could get it, it was Papa.
Minsan tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung ano ba yung mas okay, yung ma-experience mo na mamatayan at a young age when you don't have a clearer understanding of death (pero hindi mo rin masyadong maaalala ang mahal mo sa buhay) or yung mamatayan ka nang nasa tamang isip at aware na sa realidad ng kamatayan at lahat ng nangyayari before that pero habang buhay mong maaalala yung taong nawala sa 'yo.
We had a Christmas Party last Monday. Sa tagal ng panahon, kagabi lang namin yun ginawa -- kung kailan wala na si Papa. Ang totoo, mas gusto ko pang magkulong sa kwarto kagabi para ipagluksa siya at umiyak kaysa mag-party at magsaya.
Kung meron mang consolation na nagpapagaan ng loob ko sa kabila ng pagpanaw ni Papa, yun ay namatay siya dahil nagkasakit siya at hindi dahil naaksidente siya or worst, kagagawan ng ibang tao ang pagkamatay niya. Nagkasakit man siya, hindi siya binawi sa amin ng biglaan at nabigyan pa kami ng time na magkasama.
Na sa kabila ng mga nangyari, nabigyan pa ako ng time para makasama, mapasaya at maalagaan si Papa. Na nabigyan pa ako ng chance na ipaalam sa kanya how much I love him and how lucky I was na siya ang naging tatay ko.
At narinig ko sa kanya kung gaano niya ako kamahal. Oo. Yung marinig ko yung I love you galing sa kanya, napakalaking bagay sa akin nun. Habang buhay kong matatandaan na narinig ko yun mula sa kanya.
I am a grieving daughter trying to come into terms with the loss of a parent on my own ways. Ang totoo akala ko dati hindi na magiging ganon kahirap given that I went through the same ordeal with the death of my two grandmothers in the previous years. Pero iba pala ang lungkot, sakit at sugat na iniiwan sa puso kapag isa sa mga magulang ang nawawala.
Iniisip ko na lang, malungkot man na hindi na namin siya kasama, at least alam naming sa langit kasama ng mga anghel at nina Inay at lolo ang pupuntahan ni Papa. Sabi nga ng kapitbahay namin nung lamay ni Papa, mas iyakan mo ang kinakasal kaysa sa namamatay. Dahil ang taong namayapa na, alam mong sa langit pupunta. Pero ang taong kinakasal, hindi mo alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng buhay niya pagkatapos ng kasal.
Sabi pa ng kapitbahay ko, parang napu-prusisyon papunta sa langit ang taong namayapa na. At magiging mahirap sa kanila na humakbang at lumakad kung may taong nalulungkot sa pag-alis nila ganong sa magandang lugar naman sila papunta. Naiiiwan sila ng prusisyon kapag nalulungkot ang mga taong naiwan nila sa lupa.
In a way, despite the pain and grief, those words make sense to me and somehow helped tone down the sorrow somehow. .
2 comments
Hi Glaiza! My condolences to your family.
ReplyDeleteOn a positive note, I admire how you and your family remained together. Your words, I can feel someone trying her best to stand up, be brave and continue with life.
Keep fighting, better things are coming your way this 2019.
Hi Diane. Thank you for your comment and the words of sympathy. While a death in the family has negative effects, it has its positive side too. Yes, I still feel sad once in a while but the way how my parents (especially my late father) handled and accepted the situation from we first learned of the diagnosis until the time the inevitable came helped me to be strong too. It was my parents' request to live my life as normal as I could even if it's difficult. I guess I am among those blessed to be born to a family that saw the importance of togetherness whether the situation is good or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteHaving people, friends, colleagues and relatives around during our time of grief also helped me and the family to stand up during that difficult moment. And I am hoping and praying for a better 2019 (just as what you -- and my mom said and is hoping at the beginning of the year).
Thank you for dropping by and taking a peak on my thoughts. This page is for your comments.