Today is exactly one month since I stepped down from my duty and designation as the planning officer for an institution. I rarely post about work-related matters on this blog but I guess, the realizations that I reaped are worth telling especially if a reader might come across this post while going through a similar situation as I did months back.
My decision to resign came as a shock to most of my colleagues. Maybe, they have had this impression that everything was fine with me that they didn't see this "shocking announcement" coming. Well, I didn't either. When I accepted the role two weeks after my 38th birthday last year, I made a decision to keep this job for at least a year in the hopes that something better might come out of it for me, and maybe, I was still that excited given that this was my first time to make a career shift after being a "professional hermit crab" for more than three years due to the pandemic.
But it was a hype that was short-lived.
When 2023 ushered in, it was also when a number of realities started to hit me. I began to face the responsibilities associated with my designation, as well as the burdens attached to it. Despite being unarmed with the proper training and guidance that I needed, I pushed myself to learn and absorb as much information that my mind could handle. I learned things on my own and sought the help of other people. I was totally clueless that I survived through the kindness of strangers.
Work-related concerns would plague me even after office hours that my mind would even exert effort to plan for the next day even if it was already time for me to slow down, crawl beneath the sheets, and sleep.
The work-life balance that I was supposed to make sacred became compromised that it started to take a toll on me physically. A month won't come to a close without a day that I would call in sick. I noticed my vertigo episodes also became frequent. There would be days when work-related stress caused me to report to work in a sleep-deprived state, and I would rely on an increased intake of coffee just to keep me alert and to catch up with the busy workday.
There would be instances when I would find myself breaking down and crying especially when I was alone in my office. At first, I thought it was just because I am being too overwhelmed by the workload. But when the mental struggles became real, apparent and recurrent (I was having panic attacks that even the ordinary ringing sound from a Messenger call would be enough to make me anxious, and I would even get easily agitated and angry even by simple things), I just knew I needed to make a choice.
I was aware of the existence of some mental health issues having seen it on social media and hearing it discussed on TV and various webinars, but it was in my job that I came face-to-face with and experienced it.
However, despite feeling and exhibiting the signs that my physical and mental health is already struggling, the resolve to wave the white flag did not happen immediately. Even if the situation is already difficult for me, I still held on for some weeks. But the words of my colleague during one of our conversations in my office eventually became my deciding factor to finally print that resignation letter that has long been sitting my my computer's drafts folder.
Yes, I already had silent plans of quitting as early as March of this year.
"Kapag dina-drag mo na lang ang sarili mo para pumasok sa trabaho, at ramdam mong hindi ka na masaya, LEAVE. Wag kang matakot na umalis at unahin mong piliin ang sarili mo."
Those words echoed what I was already feeling all along: the unhappiness and that dragging feeling. Together with my physical symptoms, what my colleague said became my wakeup call that for once, I needed to be selfish for a good reason, and make that decision to choose myself -- especially if it's the only way to improve things and save me from a toxic, miserable situation.
It may sound odd, but I felt the effects of submitting my two-weeks notice almost immediately. My anxiety slowly subsided and I was able to get a restful night of sleep that evening. A huge difference compared to weeks before when I was just running on 2-4 hours of sleep.
There will come a time that we will really need to make use of our free will and be forced to act on a situation and do what is necessary especially if the ordeal is not just affecting us but others as well. That was the other thing that I realized out of this. And the situation I had gone through made me to reflect and reminded me of what motivational speaker Jonathan Yabut said in his book, Everything Will Be Alright:
"No career will ever be worth your mental wellness. If quitting will give you peace of mind from a toxic job, quit if you must. At times, quitting can mean winning."
It's a good thing that companies and institutions nowadays include the importance of mental health in their wellness programs. But in the absence of such initiatives, we owe it to ourselves to prioritize and protect our health (both physically and mentally) because no one else is going to do that for us. We are not employees 24/7, and outside our positions and the confines of our offices, we all have other roles and duties to carry out. I may be part of the workforce, but I am also a daughter, aunt, older sister, friend, and someone's future girlfriend. As employees, we are all replaceable, but no one can fill the void that we will leave behind in the event our families and loved ones loses us to the inevitable.
When I was younger, I always aimed to be competitive at everything including my job because I wanted to prove something. But now that I am older, and after experiencing how work-related stress seriously affected my body and mind negatively, I've come to realize that I was right in saying that I just want to give things a try. If it works, fine. But if not, I won't stay. I understand now there is truth in what my favorite priest, Fr. Dave Concepcion once said during his Homily: that the goal is not to just live long but most especially, to live well. And we have the power in our hand to live life well.
Yes, there are times I feel scared especially of the uncertainty and what comes next now that I am back to square one (read: starting again from point A). That is what I am precisely feeling these days. But I guess, there also are things that call for a leap of faith. For now, I depend on the lines from the song which became my "resignation anthem", Huwag Kang Matakot by The Eraserheads as my temporary mantra:
Makapangyarihan ang pag-ibig na hawak mo sa 'yong kamay.
Ikaw ang diyos at hari ng iyong mundo
Matakot sila, sa 'yo.
I choose to think that somehow, my decision gave me something good in return. At least I feel much better. My body and mind was able to rest. I am now free to devote time to some of the things that took a backseat because I was too overwhelmed with work-related duties back then. I am less burdened compared to how I was feeling months back. Maybe I'll take time to appreciate it --and feel it, and make the most out of it while it's there.
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