These Prevailing Thoughts on My Wall

January 28, 2012

I don’t know where to start. Right now, all I know is that when I think of him, I have this unexplained giddy feeling. This feeling just kind of showed only lately. When I first met him two months back, I never bothered this was possible.

I remember that time when I had lunch all by my lonesome. He came in to the cafeteria, called upon me and asked why I was alone. Not to be a snob, but I never got to reply because my mouth was stuffed with food (sorry naman, sabi ng nanay ko, don’t talk when your mouth is full!).

On my second week at work, over lunch together with other office peeps. I know that there was this uneasy feeling still because aside from I still haven’t settled myself with the new environment; I was sitting right next to the chief and him. Still, I remember him motioning a “thumbs up” just to make sure if I was okay. This time, my response was just a nod and a smile.

We were the only two people in the project present at that moment when people are already anticipating the holidays. Right before he left, he uttered a greeting. While it was somewhat unexpected, I was able to say something back. And I should say there was sincerity in it. And it was funny and weird that weeks ago, I had this dream that he spent Christmas Eve with me and my family (while in reality, I was trying to put myself asleep after crying the midnight off).

While I had always thought myself to be the corny wala-sa-hulog-ang punchline type, two colleagues had told me how I drew a smile on his face (which I never saw). When he thanked us for the gift we gave him on Christmas, when I blurted out due to fustration “Hay naku Pag-Ibig! Isa kang malaking problema (and I was referring to something else), and when I told him that he needs to prepare the rose and the tuxedo because he’ll take part in a “debutant’s” party (pangalawa siya sa pila! :-p).

But it’s not always about the good stuff. Weeks after the holidays, the unexpected news came in. It was something that got me in disbelief and in disappointment. I fought a battle on my own for the first time. It was something I knew I should take courage of. But it also was the same moment where I showed my other, strong side to him.

There was a certain day I realized guilt as well. It was during that late night message when he wished me a happy weekend. It really hit me because I don’t even bother to say goodbye or happy weekend when I leave, unlike how my other colleagues do. But he never forgot to say it apart from the important reason.

That fateful day was the start of things. I just decided that I wanted to make the most of it –of what is left for me. I realized, if things won’t work out and I have to leave the wonderful environment and the kind people I know, I better keep it sweet. As of this writing I only have two weeks left to savor everything good that this feeling is actually giving me.

I know you might have seen old status posts that sounded all too wonderful, pertaining to this person. Well, there’s no doubt about it. The feeling is blissful. But if you’re thinking of asking me if I am perhaps in love with this person, the answer to that is NO I AM NOT.

I’d say a slight (READ: MINOR) crush would be the nearest to it. But this one is transforming me and my emotions at a different level – in a good way. No one knows his identity and I want to keep it that way. I promised myself that if this feeling would bug me again this time, I want to handle it differently – as civil and normal as I could.

I just want this simple and wonderful feeling to be just that. SIMPLE. WONDERFUL.